My Meandering Mind

Faithful

2009-06-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

My last post was how I was looking into the unknown.......that time has come and gone, and I am happy to report that I got a job, and housing, and am staying in Santa Cruz for the next year! I moved, and now have a roommate, I am serving again, which is a demanding job, so I am adjusting. I think I am through the transition stage now, but I am still adjusting. I will be starting classes on Monday, for a degree in hospitality management. Life has been busy, I find myself tired most of the time. I am trying to keep my focus on God. I am grateful to have a job, and a place to live, when the economy is not so good. He is faithful! He is working in me, and I am trying to let go and allow it to happen. That's all for now, but I have been wanting to update!

2.5 weeks til the unknown

2009-05-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

In 2.5 weeks my job ends and I have to move out of my house......I don't have another job or a place to live. I have a couple possible options in the works but this is where things get complicated. There is one option which will give me a job and housing, but California labor laws require they pay me more than the position pays because I am not a student. Now I have actually been looking into going back to school, so that could solve that, but going back to school also seems scary. It's almost like God is using it as a package deal to get me back in school. Or a different position, at the same place, without housing, and higher pay. If this one pans out, I could live in a friends garage, which is very nice of them, but I would feel a little awkward about it. I had to give a preference of which option I would want, neither seems like the best option, but I finally choose the position with less pay, including housing, I would be living in a dorm, and people/community are important to me, and I would have to go back to school! I still don't know for sure that this is even an option, but I wait, and wonder how all of this will turn out. I'm really not feeling too stressed about this, sometimes I think I should be more worried, but that doesn't change anything, except my mood. I am trusting God to work it all out, after all He knows what is good for me. I will update when I know more.

Authenticity

2009-05-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

Being authentic seems to be the theme of the week. Being real is always something that I have always marked myself with. I always say, "I can't tell a lie", "you know when I am happy and when I am not". I can tell when people are being fake with me, and I strongly dislike it. Recently I have had a pretty rough spot in life, one that lasted about a year and a half. During this time I made a lot of bad decisions, bad choices, and all but gave up on God. I isolated myself from my friends, because I was ashamed of who I was, and what I was doing, and I was sure they would not understand me, they would judge me, and not want to be my friend anymore. When I finally came to the end of my rope, I left town to get away from it all, and wipe the slate clean. In my new environment I was reluctant to share with my new friends what I was walking through and dealing with, because I did not want to tarnish their view of me, before they ever really knew me. I WAS NOT BEING REAL! I found myself alone, struggling, not trusting people, trying to deal with my shit, without letting anyone in. All the old lies that have played in my head, are playing again: "I will never be loved" "I will never be accepted" "I will always mess up" "nobody wants to be my friend" "I have strayed too far from God". Though I have been through this before, I knew how to erase those tapes, and tell myself truth. Yet I continue to feel insecure, like I don't fit in here. I was made for relationship, and deep relationship, IT IS WHO I AM! But I was not getting it here, because I was afraid to let people into my life. I AM afraid to let people know that I screwed up in a big way, I AM afraid to let people know what my struggles are, I AM afraid I will never be loved. Then on an ordinary Thursday evening, I hang out with a friend who is hurting, and it turns in to a VERY REAL moment, we share deeply our lives, and discover, that WE ALL related to each others struggles, we just need to be VULNERABLE with each other! This got me thinking, about being real, and how I need to trust, and that if I would not have been so afraid of what people would think about my admitted failure, I could have made this process easier on myself, and opened the door for others to share their struggles. What a dis-service I have done to myself and those around me. As the weekend continued, I have had other, real and raw moments with people, that have helped me to keep this at the front of my mind! Then today (Sunday), I slept in, missed church, and spend a fairly quiet day at home, cleaning, and catching up with people. I told a friend I would go to church with them tonight. We meet up, she is with other friends, I am feeling insecure, and like I should have stayed home. Then church starts and the whole teaching is about AUTHENTICITY! What! God is good, He is faithful and IT IS WHAT HE IS DOING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! The 3 choices we NEED to make to have authentic relationships are:
1) Believe what God says about me, not what other people say about me: I am loved, I am accepted, He chose me, He loves me!
2) Be vulnerable with others, BE KNOWN!
3) DON'T BE A PEOPLE PLEASER!

"Our life depends on being found" - John Ortberg
He is Good!

I finally did it......now to keep doing it

2009-03-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

It has been a pretty rough couple weeks, for lots of different reasons. I have been trying to make some choices about what to do with my life, of course in that process, realized that I am living my life half-assed, especially when it comes to God, and I am tired of making half-assed decisions that I question forever after the decision has been made. I'm tired of second guessing myself. This weekend I finally came to the end of myself, I am tired, I am irritable, I don't have a clue, and damn it I should be desperate for God in multiple situations in my life, and I am NOT!!! So today, I didn't go to church, I slept in (which I want to stop doing), but I went to a coffee shop, and didn't allow myself to get on my computer to check FB and Myspace, so that I was up on what everyone is doing with their lives, or checking my e-mail, I read my book, then I wrote in my journal. Then this girl that was sitting by me, starting talking and she was really annoying, so I left, I came home, I locked myself in my room, and I prayed, I read my bible, it was great. Now I just need to continue to do this, and not get so caught up in watching my shows, or stocking people via FB and Myspace. Hopefully this is the beginning of the journey..........

Purpose....for a moment

2009-02-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

This last week, I was a pusdo-naturalist. It was home-school week for camp, which means I don't have a job as a health-aide, cuz they all come with their parents. I was given the opportunity to tag along with the kindergarteners, and be crowd control. It was actually really fun, I learned some things, got to see what the Nats week is a like. It was pretty busy, I was tired at the end of each day, but always woke up ready for the next day. At the end of the week, with all the cuteness and funny things that happened, I felt accomplished, I felt as if I had purpose this week. I have not felt that in a long time, it was a good feeling. So far things have been better, I have not felt alone like did in the fall, but now real camp is starting, I will spend my days sitting in the health center alone, and not having much interaction with people. I am nervous, things have been so good, I don't want it to be like it was before, but fear it may be. I have been thinking about this summer too, what am I to do, I know the economy sucks, and people are losing jobs, so it will be hard to find one, I don't think my dream of being able to travel will happen either, I am worrying about it, I keep telling myself that God has a plan for me, and I need to trust Him, to put me where I belong. I have actually thought about trying to work here for the summer, who knows, I know I am not suppose to move on that yet. I have to keep it surrendered and trust God on this one.

Rag-A-Muffin

2009-02-08T22:54:00.000-08:00

I am a Rag-A-Muffin! I just finished reading the Rag-a-muffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, which is a mild stone alone. I bought the book 4 or 5 years ago, started to read it, and stopped 1/2 way through (guess it just wasn't the right time). I picked it up again in Sept, when I moved away, and was attempting to start over, but was not fully ready to let go of things. Again I read some, and then stopped. This time I picked up where I left off, and actually finished it!!!! It is a great book, as long as you are not super-spiritual, or religious, which I am not,and never really have been a fan of.

A quote from the book (there are many I would love to share, but it would be like half the book) "Louis Savary describe the brotherhood (the ragamuffin brotherhood) this way: 'Their life is full of demands from others. They seem to be living at least three lives; everyone wants a piece of them; they can't say no, yet they have no time to do what they have already said yes to...They cannot seem to find the necessary clarity and information on which to base decisions...they make a great investment in relationships and get little gratitude, feedback, or even acknowledgment from others. "Although non reciprocity is inevitable and acceptable," writes Mitchell. "it is also draining. No one can function long in a helping profession without feeling its impact"' Manning continues "The first step toward rejuvenation begins with accepting where you are and exposing your poverty, frailty, and emptiness to the love that is everything. Don't try to feel anything, think anything, or do anything. With all goodwill in the world you cannot make anything happen. Don't force prayer. Simply relax in the presence of the God you half believe in and ask for a touch of folly."

I am a Rag-A-Muffin.

I came back to California knowing it was the right thing, ready to be done with the season that life had me in. I came open-minded, and ready to get back to God. Feeling guilty and ashamed of myself I couldn't find the words to tell God I was sorry, and tell Him that I needed Him. I couldn't humble myself because I was guilty. The whispers came, He wanted me, He was waiting for me, He didn't care where I had been or what I had been doing, He just wanted me back. I began to sense Him again, I began to be aware of Him in my everyday things, I began to talk to Him again. We had a staff conference here, and I was overwhelmed by Him during worship. I had not realized how far away I had wondered, how spiritually dry I had become, but I was overwhelmed by Him. I could have stayed all night, worshiping Him, it was a relief to experience Him again, and I was still my imperfect self, He really hadn't cared where I was, He really was happy that I was back. I'm still imperfect, I still struggle with loneliness, finding my place here, and in the world at large, I still sin, but I am in communication with Him, I sense Him and feel Him, and am grateful to be back in His arms. I think I will probably live this yo-yo existence my whole life, and I am okay with it, because as Manning puts it:
"The ragamuffin who sees his life as a voyage of discovery and runs the risk of failure has a better feel for faithfulness than the timid man who hides behind the law and never finds out who he is at all. Winston Churchill said it well 'Success is never final; failure is never fatal. It is the courage that counts.'"

The Messy Middle

2009-01-13T23:18:00.000-08:00

I am still in Oregon, I head back to Cali in about a week. California, the place I couldn't wait to leave, and really have not missed much, but now I am starting to get a little excited about going back. First I am tired of couch surfing, sleeping where ever I am when I get tired, and my belongs strung across town and my car, it will be nice to have my own space again, and a bed to sleep in. Over the last couple months I have done a lot of thinking and reflecting, realizing that I am in the middle of a transition which can get a little messy. I was so excited to get back to Oregon, to friends, to my jobs, to being busy, to making money, of course things didn't turn out as I had hoped. I did get back to work, friends and life, but due to a huge snow storm that lasted 2.5 weeks, I ended up missing a lot of work, so I have found myself bored with lots of thinking to do. I realized that I am tired of my heart being dead, I am tired of just working to pay the bills and fund my good times, which are actually comprising to my values. I started making comprises to cope, and now I find myself in a series of comprises, that has left me in a place of wondering if the things I used to dream of really can be obtained, or if I should just settle. S-E-T-T-L-E -- that is a sobering word, a dangerous word, one I swore would never be a part of my life and here I have been settling for some time, and it scares me, I don't want to settle anymore. I have to admit that I am not fully ready to let go of everything here, and not really ready to embrace life in California, but I know it's what I need to do, and I know it's the right thing. Things will be different when I go back to California, some people have left, new faces will appear, my schedule will be different. I went to IKEA and bought some stuff to make my room, and house a little more homier, and I will have a tv with cable and interenet at home, to help occupy my down time. I plan on reading more, and spending time God to get my heart right with Him again, and figure out what is next for me, I also plan on working out and living a healthier life. What is next for me??? Good question, I have no idea, and I really don't feel like I need to know. I have the sense that I am suppose to go back without any commitments except the current one that have to the camp til June. I am at peace with that. I am looking forward to meeting my niece in March when she is born, and I am looking forward to my trip to Colorado in April to help with the North American Leaders Conference again. Actually I am hoping during that time that some new opportunities may arise for me to consider for the summer, hence my peace with not knowing now. I have been here before, and will probably end here again, different circumstances, but a peace with knowing what I need to do, and not really knowing how to get there. I am still human, and imperfect, and transition is not always smooth, but I know this, and will do the best I can, trying not to repeat mistakes of the past, and looking for my little niche in the world, this will be a journey, one which you can find random updates of here, on this crazy blog.

A 2 year journey ends

2008-11-30T14:45:00.001-08:00

It is a lazy Sunday, it is cool, cloudy, and drizzly out. I am sitting around doing nothing, kinda enjoying it, and kinda wanting to do something productive. I am back in Oregon now, I have been here for 3 weeks, it is nice to be home, to see my friends again. I wish I could say that I miss life at camp, but I don't really, I miss the sun and warmth of California, but that's about it. I do think of everyone from down there often though. I have been working at the same 2 jobs before, but not as much, I am taking things easier now. I am blessed to have the these jobs to come back to for a short time. Thanksgiving has come ans gone, we put up Christmas decorations tomorrow, and have our first holiday party on Tuesday, so the holiday season is well underway. I am trying really hard this year to enjoy Christmas, but I don't know if I can. I think I am trying because my Grandma died earlier this year, and it made realize how much I miss being around my family, my sister is pregnet, she is having a girl, so yes I am going to be a real aunt, I am finally starting to get excited about it. Most of my cousins are also pregnet, leaving me the only one of us, besides the youngest one, unmarried, and without kids, this kinda bothers me, but I have choosen to live a very different life, and I guess that is okay, I love being free to travel and work random jobs, I am really commited to all that I do, so when the time comes I will be commited to being a wife and mom too. I just made my final payment on my credit card, so I have zero balances on all of them, which is so exciting and a journey that I gave up alot for, worked my ass off for, and today it has finally come. I am looking forward to starting 2009 without that over my head. Now I have to make a fresh start and give up all the coping mechanism's I formed to get through that phase of my life. I am finally looking forward to trying to find a way and a place to live those dreams I have been holding for so long. I am excited for 2009 to be a new yaer and the new things that will come out of it.

I am not looking forward to the next 3 weeks in which I will be very busy working, I will hopefully make some decent money, but it will be intense, and hopefully I will get to see all my family over the holidays.

Soggy

2008-11-03T17:50:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here, it is pouring down rain outside, it rained all weekend, I heard 5.5 inches on Saturday, not just rain, but wind too. Saturday nite a tree fell down knocking out electricity for 11 hours, which kinda turn out to be fun, because all of us ended gathering at one house with a fireplace, hanging out together, otherwise I would have ended up spending the night alone, with my movies. It was interesting, I began to feel really insecure and awkward, I actually thought that I would be more comfortable sitting at home, alone, in the cold and dark. It's interesting, I have been feeling really insecure since I have been here, it's like I don't know who I am any more, I am not comfortable with myself, and I have nothing to distract myself with. I feel insecure with how I look, what I do, who I am as a person, causing me to withdrawal, I don't feel like I am doing anything worth while here. My good days are okay, my bad days, bad. When there isn't anything pressing, it takes a lot of convincing myself to get out of bed. I came here running, hoping that a change would some how magically make everything better, or different at least, that is not the case, so now I want to run back home, at least there are comforts there, but I am beginning to think that is not the answer either. I feel like I am just running around in circles, nothing is the right answer. I find myself wondering if I will find "it", if I will ever be satisfied with my life, and my choices. It seems here I am always on the outside, at meals at the table, I am always the one stuck between 2 conversation, neither of which I can add too. I am not cool enough for the cool kids, and not uncool enough for the uncool kids. I miss having human touch, nobody hugs here, or even just pats on the back, conversations are very surfacy, nothing ever deep, I hate that, I don't do that well, so I just retreat into myself, not adding anything to this community, and not getting anything from it either. So I wanted to go home, which I get to do for a couple months but I can already tell that is not going to be all that it's cracked up to be either. Why am I so hard to please, so unsettled, why can't I ever be satisfied with my life and the choices I make, and why am I always running in these stupid circles in my head? Anyways I will be home in 5 days, looking forward to that, I think.

A bloody, bloody, bloody day

2008-10-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bloody day in the health center, first 3 cuts fingers thanks to the pumpkin carving elective. Then I am just sitting in the health center, it is quiet, its cabin time right before dinner, when I heard someone (a counslor) yell, "nurse we have a bleeding head here", I respond with "are you serious" as I jump up and grab some gloves, I ask the poor little guy his name, and remove the tissue, stiches, I know it right away. Thank goodness, the administrator that was on, was right there, on the phone calling the teachers, and the urgent care clinic to let them know we were sending them in. The story: the kids were messing around in the cabin, they were running, one kid pushed another kid, the pushed kid fell, and hit his head on the bunk bed, causing a gash in his head. I know I shouldn't be excited that kids got hurt, and I am not, but I was happy to have something to do, and it was pretty exciting. I feel a little bad about being so happy about the injuries. I kinda felt like Christina from Grey's Anatomy, (I love that show), she really enjoys, and gets off on bloody surgery's.

I have been babysitting for my friends here, I am watching their 9 month old now, he is so happy and cute right now. I actually really enjoy it, because first I love kids, second, they have a tv with cable, and internet, so it makes me feel some normalacy, which is great, and they have a dog to play with too, so it like being in a real home, not just a place to stay, like where I am living.

It is cool and cloudy today, just like back at home, it is actually a nice change, makes me want to cuddle up by the fire with a good cup of coffee. There are a couple storms moving in tonight, and this weekend, according to the news, which I am watching on the tv. Its a good day.

Antsy

2008-10-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

I am antsy, I am stuck here in the health center, I want to eat, but I am not hungry, that is part of why I have put on so much weight making me feel disgusting. I get to come home in a week and half, I am so excited and can't wait,I am looking forward to having friends to hang out with, working a job that is active and involves interacting with people, and making some money again, but there is so much that I need to do before that, get my oil changed, make sure things are in order with the health center before I go, I need to find a nurse for the week in Dec, that I won't be here for, I don't trust the girl that will be in charge, but I don't know how to say that, she does things half-assed all the time, she doesn't seem to care, she is here mostly to study and hang out with her friends, I feel like she doesn't take things seriously, and I have to leave her in charge, or waste my plane ticket to come back, which is another thing I have to do, cancel my ticket, ask for time off in the spring to go see my sister when she has her baby, I need to figure out what things need to be done for both the extended breaks, and write out details as well as go over it, so that I know I've done everything I could to make it clear, some how I still think it will get done right, or they won't remember where they put things, which will really suck when I come back in Jan. yeah I have to come back, things will be better, they already are. I am making more of an effort with people and so are they, I am also working on a recycling program for the camp, and have opportunities to work around others, instead of in a room by myself, and I am going to find other work to do around the camp on the weekends to keep me busy then. I have been babysitting which has been good, it is something else to do. I know that I really have lots of things to do to keep me busy but I really don't want to do any of them, and some of them, I can't really do while I am sitting here. I no boring and nothing really important to say, but I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Ok something cool just happened. It is recreation time which means most of the kids are in the pool. Suddenly I hear everyone chanting "Josh-u-a" "Josh-u-a" "Josh-u-a" from the pool area, so I step outside so I can see what is going on. Joshua is autistic, and he is standing on the high dive, all of his class mates are cheering him on to jump off the high dive, everyone is watching, counselors, everyone, and then he jumped, I walked away with a huge smile on my face, it made me happy and remember what is really important, after everything I just said above, what a great reality check. Tonight is campfire, that is always a good time, and roast beef for dinner, (which I like, but everything gets old when you literally have eaten it for 7 weeks straight, but hey its free food, which makes it okay.

Falling short of the stick

2008-10-16T15:23:00.000-07:00

I have always had some sort of way that I measure how well I am doing in life, mostly it comes from if I call myself this, I am expected to act a certain way. If I call myself a Christian, then I am suppose to be happy, not have any problems, do good things for others, go to church, pray, read my bible, and if I am missionary, I must do all those things, more intensely, as well as give up a lot more, be leading people to the Lord, living without, dying to myself, setting a good example, there is a lot of pressure. All these things seem to be the standards, that people, the church, jobs have put on me, some spoken, and some unspoken. I have always tried to live up to these standards, yet feel like I am always falling short, and when I fall short, I feel like a bad person and begin to question everything. I am tired of falling short of said standards, rules, expectations, I want to be free to be me. I spent many years being discipled intensely,there I learned that your are only spiritual if the first thing you do when you get up in the morning is pray and read your bible, and it must be a full hour devoted to that. Sorry I don't work that way, I understand the value of spending time with God, and I do think that is really important, but I can't operate in that box, and I know that God meets me outside of that. My point is, I am finally starting to realize that it really is more about a relationship with Him, than following the rules, standards, or expectations that I have adopted or allowed to be put on me. I am trying to live in this freedom, but it is not easy. God loves me, for me, my problems, my habits, the time and space I make for Him in my life, He hates that I feel like I am disappointing Him, others, and myself, all the time. So here I journey to bring the truths, the real truths, into my life to live by, without, feeling like I am falling short, I am human I will not be perfect, I am not perfect, I have problems, life will not be perfect, but that should not change my relationship with God, so here I go on yet another life long adventure. Relationship not rules.

Perfect Sunday

2008-10-06T20:18:00.000-07:00

I went to church, it was the first time in a long time. It was actually nice, it was a new church, I am thinking of joining a small group even, which is weird, I would never think about that on the first Sunday I attend a church. I actually felt hopeful about things again, I don't know I was so busy and so wrapped up in getting my credit card paid off, that I lost sight of everything else. The goal was to pay off my cards, but I really messed myself up in the process, but I was hopeful, and had lots of ideas about the future, it was a nice feeling. After church, I went on an adventure, I decided to go check out another city, Capitola, it is not far from Santa Cruz. When I got there I immediately decided that it is my new favorite place here. The downtown area reminds of what I think Italy or France would look like. There is a canal that runs into the ocean, a beach that is not too crowded, and the canal, ocean front is lined with tons of little restaurants and bars, that you can sit outside and enjoy the view. I sat on a bench for several hours, enjoying the view, chatting on my phone to friends back home. Then I had to go feed my parking meter some more money, on my back to "the perfect spot" I was almost ran over by a bunch of bikers showing off, they went around the conner, I kept walking, and next thing I know there are about 6 camera men jumping out of big vans, running around, taping the biker guys, I stood there for a minute baffled, then decided that if I didn't want to be a movie star I needed to get out of there. I found a great little bar & grill, where I sat outside, taking it all in, enjoying a great burger & fries. When I had finished I realized that I was pretty sunburned, so I walked around for a little while then I headed home. Later that evening I went to a great coffee shop to see a friend play in his band. They are awesome,it is a great mix of several different kinds of music, I have never heard anything like it, but I LOVED IT!!!! Anyways that was my perfect Sunday. The 3rd week of camp, just began today, it is a pretty small group, they have adult counselors which helps, so far so good. Lots of allergies, bees and nuts, the most I have seen in my three weeks of experience. Anyways that is all for now. Gosh I have been blogging a lot more, partly because I feel like I actually have something to blog about, and I actually have time to blog. I also wrote in my journal yesterday, it was kinda nice to actually write again, it is amazing how dependent I have become on my computer, right now it feels like my life line, sad, but true.

Bathroom Blog

2008-10-04T16:08:00.000-07:00

So I have been sitting at this coffee shop for hours now, I have a great view of the bathrooms, they are very busy actually. It has been a source of my entertainment, which I am now going to share with you. I have watched countless times, someone get up walk to the bathroom, try the door, it is locked, so they try again, then step back, wait a second, try again, step back, try looking underneath the door to see if the light is on, or maybe if they can see someone moving around in there, I dont know exactly, but look under the door. Try the still locked door again, like maybe it will magically open this time. No luck, so they step back and finally wait, mostly impatiently. Honestly it takes more than 3 seconds to go to the bathroom, no matter who you are or what you are doing in there. Some have even opted to use the other bathroom that clearly is marked "out of order". I am not brave enough to investigate why it is out of order, nor do I know it hasn't been fixed yet, nor do I get why people continue to use it when there is a sign that clearly says it is out of order. What is it with us humans? We are pretty entertaining at times. That is the most exciting, entertaining thing I have seen all day, which doesn't say much for me.

More than a Stomach ache

2008-10-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

The second week of camp has officially come to an end. It is the weekend, I am doing the usual hang out at a coffee shop, watch movies, try to keep myself occupied. I finished a 400 page book in a week. Anyways this week at camp, there were a lot of symptoms that were, not real. There was a lot of homesick kids, they were looking for a little attention and love, fortunately I can give that. I found that I was given a lot of private information into the kids home life, it was really kind of interesting. It is true that your family/home life really does shape you. The symptoms manifested them selves as stomach aches, head aches, hurt ankles (without swelling or bruising), nothing that a little Gatorade or ice and some TLC didn't fix. I see how I have a special opportunity to speak into these kids lives. I am not really sure where I am going with this, I guess I am just rambling, its probably the lack of human contact I've had the last two days. Weekends are long here. It rained last night. I guess that is all that I have to say, nothing real exciting. Ha welcome to my world!

I’ve Survived……

2008-09-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

I have survived two weeks of training, enough said there.

I survived the two day trip to Yosemite. That was super fun, it was about a 5 hour drive, it was so warm when we got there, we all headed to the creek to wade around and cool off. Then pitching tents, preparing dinner, campfire, just hanging out having fun. At first I was feeling insecure, and kinda left out, but I found my way. The next day we drove into the valley which was amazing and beautiful. We hiked to Mirror Lake, except that there was not a lake there, it was too dry, but we had an amazing view of Half Dome. Half Dome is a famous rock cliff, it was pretty cool to see. The just the normal camping thing. Most of the group, not including me, left in the middle of the night to hike up to the top of Half Dome to see the sun rise, they said it was amazing when they returned 14.5 hours later. Mean while I was all rested up, and the few stayed behind packed up camp and waited for everyone else to come home.

I survived registration day of the first camp. Things went pretty smooth, I was actually surprised. It was hard going through all of the forms to make sure all of the information was there, and that I didn’t miss any allergies or serious conditions. But all in all things were fine.

I survived my first forest fire!!! That’s right there was a forest fire across the street form camp on Thursday. The kids however were hiking around in the area of the fire, but everyone made it home okay, though some of the groups were escorted by firemen, and other were almost ran over by fire trucks. Me being a city girl didn’t catch on to what was happening, until I was told, despite all the sirens, aircraft flying over head, smell of fire in the air (even thought it was 85 degrees), not mention the smoke and little pieces of ash falling from the sky, guess I am pretty oblivious, but it was pretty exciting for me. The fire was contained quickly, and put out within in a matter of a few hours, it only burned 2 acres of land, no evacuations occurred, nobody was hurt, the cause is still unknown to me.

I survived the first week of camp!!!! Yep the first group of students have come and gone, all in all things seem to have gone pretty smooth. We ended up with two cabins, full of kids with colds, a few stomach aches, some headaches, and one little guy had to go home, because of a headache, that just wouldn’t go away, I felt kinda bad.

It is now the weekend, I am at a coffee shop now, I am working on my room this weekend, cleaning, organizing, rearranging, making it a little homier. I am actually pretty excited about it. I am starting to connect more with people, and our house is feeling more and more homier, which is nice. Monday starts a new camp, with new schools, I am trying new things out with the registration process, to find a better way to do things. There are about 20 more campers this week, than last, so I will let you know how that goes.

Slowly Settling In

2008-09-13T21:21:00.001-07:00

These last couple days have been good. I am feeling less insecure, we as staff are bonding more, we actually all went out the other nite to this great little lounge, I have never seen anything like it, though I am sure there are similar places in Portland and Seattle, anyways it was dark, low red lights, comfy couches and chairs grouped through out, it was fabulous. For one of the girls birthdays we all went out for drinks, and talked and hung out, and it was super fun. Side note there are 11 single girls, 3 single guys, and 2 families on the staff of the science camp, a little lopsided, but that is par for the course. There are a ton of other people who work for Mount Hermon and keep things running and make our jobs a lot easier. The last couple days I have sat through hours of orientation about the health center, which I am the manager of. Orientation has been a little frustrating in the fact that each person who comes in, riffles through a bunch of papers, try’s to explain them like they know what they are talking about, and ultimately ends up reading us something that we have already read through ourselves. Nobody really seems to know what they are doing, apparently the health center has been a mess for several years, and I am here to get it organized and running smooth again, wish me luck with that. I will say with each new person we get ¾ review (which is good) and ¼ new stuff, which is also good, so it is not bad, but could be a little more organized for me. As we have time we join the Naturalist (they are the ones who teach the kids while they are at camp, and take them on the hikes), for their training which is far more fun then ours, but that is okay. Today was the first day that actually thought maybe this isn’t so bad after all. My morning started with the usual breakfast and devotions, then we hiked up to an area where we cleared some Portuguese Broom. Portuguese Broom is a foreign “weed” that is growing in the sand hills here, which is disturbing the ecosystem of the sand hills. Not so much a big deal until you know that sand hills only exists in Santa Cruz county, and most of it right here in my back yard. So yeah I spend my morning, saving endangered species and plants, how cool is that. The hike was about a mile total. This afternoon we conquered the inventory of the health center, and got things put away and mostly organized, I think. Tonight we went on a night hike, that they take the kids on, we could not use flashlights, and we had to be quite so we could here all sounds of the forest, it was really fun. We would hike a bit, then stop and learn stuff, usually through a fun activity, I would say that hike was about another mile and it took almost two hours, but is was so fun. Tomorrow, we will finish organizing the health center, get our order together, and start to organize the forms, and I need to make some phone calls to get a couple meetings set up and get a nurse scheduled for the three weeks we don’t have one yet. This weekend is camping in Yosmite, which is exciting, looking forward to that, hopfully I will get to hit the beach too. Oh yeah, my house is starting to grow on me too. Things are starting to look up for me. Stay tuned.

Culture Shock

2008-09-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

I was tired of only having myself to talk too, ran out of good CD's and radio stations, drove around 1000 miles in a week, spent a lot of money on gas, but a lass I have made it to Mount Hermon. I wind around on the roads of the camp, in search of my house, A-frame, (and yes it really is an A-frame), one road so narrow I am sure it is not actually a road and I have made a wrong turn, but finally around a corner and there it is, A-frame. I park, walk in, shouting hello hoping for a response, but get none, I look around, notice that it is very rustic, kinda dirty, there is a dear head mounted on the living room wall, and what I think is a trapeze hanging from the ceiling in the kitchen. Some bedrooms, a small closet like bathroom, that I only assume is actually usable, another bathroom under construction, hmmmm I think to myself. I step outside searching for a signal on my phone, that no longer works, to call the lady I am working for to make sure I am in the right place, yep, pick any room you want, is the response. So I look around again, and decide on a room, unload my car, make my bed, unpack some clothes, hoping someone will come home. Nothing so I take an adventure back down the mountain to "town" which is a gas station, a Safeway, a Longs Drugs, and I think that is it. i wander around, attempt a few more phone calls, find something to eat, disappointed, alone and wanting to go home before I even give it a chance I start to drive, and find my way to Santa Cruz. It seems nice, but it is getting dark, so turn around and head for "home" again. Still no one, I notice there is no tv, so I pull out my computer hoping for internet, and strike out again. I have absolutely nothing to do. Finally two girls come home, we introduce ourselves in that awkward way, and they go to bed, so do I, dont know what else to do. Get up Sunday morning hoping for something fun to do, everyone goes to church, I go to Santa Cruz to find internet, coffee, and food, and maybe the beach. Had fun watching the random mix of people there, lots of homeless people out on the streets, amongst natural/hippie types amongst rich people, weird. As I am wondering the streets I almost got spit on by a crazy lady, but she missed me, I think she was trying to spit on an imaginary person she thought was following her. I drive some more, found the beach but there was too many people, no where to park, so I got lost, then found again, and drove home. finally there is a BBQ, and we all get to meet and hang out, and finally for the first time in 3 days I am not alone. I feel like I can make some friends, but a lot of these girls already are friends and are from around here, and it is hard to get into the circle. Monday training starts, I am not first aid/cpr certified, and it is fabulous. Things are getting easier, but the transition is a little rough. We are going camping this weekend in Yosemite National Park, which I am looking forward too, some more training next week, then the campers arrive. Anyways I am posting some pics of my "home". I will be sure to get up dating this, to keep you posted.

Finally My break has come

2008-08-03T23:42:00.001-07:00

Finally the thing that has hung over my head for years, stressed me out, strained me, held me back, the thing that I have worked my ass off for, given up life on, it is finally in reach, it is attainable, I can see its end in sight. I gave up my passion, the things I loved, because doing the thing I loved, was hard, it was stressful, I was not happy. I choose to live life, I choose to make my own way for awhile, but there was an element of responsibility. I wanted to pay off my debt, I wanted to not have to worry about money. While I was working my ass off, I lost hope, I lost all the dreams, I lost sight, of everything, I coped in all the wrong ways, but it helped me get through this last very tough place in my life. In the process I have run away, I cut everyone off, I have done things I am not proud of, but finally it seems, just like magic, there is an end in sight. It was just over two years ago, that I moved back to Oregon from Hawaii, where I had one of the most amazing and challenging times of my life, but had decided that it was time to have some different priorities in life. Rather than following my heart and dreams, I was going to focus on getting my finances in order. So I found a job, that quickly became the center of my life, before I knew it, I was working two jobs, and the pillar, the only dependable person at one of these jobs. Making money was the only thing that was on my mind, working on average 50+ hours a week. It was a lot to handle, I choose to cope in all the wrong ways, but I was having fun. Yet deep, deep, deep inside of me was a shred of hope that some how, some day this would come to an end, this end all based on paying off my debt. After almost two years of working stupid amounts of hours, my debt is almost paid off!!!! It is so close that I can taste it, it is doable, it is attainable. At the same time an opportunity arises, friends of mine, have been trying to get a hold of me for months. They want me to come and work for them. Finally we connect with each other, the job sounds great, I get excited, I pay for a plane ticket to go see them, check things out, and while it is not something I see myself doing forever, I do see it as an opportunity that will be a stepping stone to things that I love, a way back to the things I love, the things I know I am suppose to be doing. So I am moving to California in a month to be a camp nurse, yea that is right, California, to be a camp nurse!!! My credit card is almost paid off, I will still be getting paid, free room and board, 6 miles from the beach, living in the woods, sunny and warm most of the time, who could ask for anything more. It is magical how all of this is happening. To be honest I never really thought that it would happen, especially not like this, but that would be the good and faithful God that I have been hiding from these last long months, He has been looking out for me, watching over me, and planning this all along. Nobody wants to see me go, but everyone knows that it is what is the best for me. I am excited about this, a little nervous about getting everything done, and getting there all on my own, and making sure that I have everything I need in the beginning, but I know, I trust that everything is going to be okay. I am worried for my roommates, whom I have not lived with for a couple months now, I am just paying the bills there, but I know that if this is God’s plan for me, then He has a plan for them. This is something I need, something I need to do for me, it is hard for some to understand, but I know for me it is the best thing for me. I am hoping that with this change, that this blog will come alive again, as I will feel like I am living for a purpose again. Finally the break that I only dreamed would come, has arrived. Thank you God, I am very grateful, even though I have been in hiding for a while now.

Saying Good Bye

2008-05-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

Saying good bye is never fun, but it totally sucks when it is forever. I am at the hospital right now, because my Grandma is not doing very well, and the doctors have said that we should all say our good byes and let her know that it is okay for her to go. She has been sick for a long time, we have all kinda been waiting for this day, but it is still a shock now that it has come. I am an array of emotions, I am sad, I will be relieved. I have to go home soon, that is an hour away from where she is, so I am getting ready to go up to her room and tell her good bye, possibly for the last time ever. I know that it is a privilege to be able say all the things you've always wanted to say, a lot of people never actually get that chance. I spent sometime alone with her last night and talked to her, and said all those things, but still it strange. Every time I get in my car I hear this song that says "say what you need to say", I think it will forever remind me of this weekend, and my dying grandma, but also to always say what I need to say, to let things go and live with regrets. I dont really know how to do this, I dont know that anyone really does. I am wasted with tears, yet trying to be strong, I know I don't have to be strong, but I always try to be. I wish I could busy myself with things to do, though I know it is best for me to be here, now, doing exactly what I am doing. I know this is a privilege, i want to make the most out of this, so I guess I am going to sign off now, go up stairs and say good bye to Grandma quite possibly for the last time ever.

Remembering Inspiration

2008-03-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

A couple of my super good friends, whom I love and respect have recently left to begin a life overseas, living out their dreams. Several years ago, I was a part of the beginning of the dream. The organization we worked for took some time to seek new direction. I can remember sitting in that room, a group of 6, seeking God for direction, it was so clear, North Africa. There were two guys, and myself that felt a very strong pull towards, going there long term. Both of the guys have made several sort term trips there, and now one picked up a wife and they are going there for long-term. I was talking to a friend about all of this, and it made me think, where did I go wrong? I was with them, I had just as much passion, and now I am on a completely different path than them, I gave up, there were too many things against me and I just didn’t have the strength to fight, so I gave up, and now I am dissatisfied with life. I don’t know it just made me think, and kind of gave me hope that someday, I can get there too. They kept fighting the good fight and things came together for them, their dreams are coming true, which is amazing and gave me hope that it can happen for me too.

A side note, I have been wanting to write more lately, which is good, because it used to be something that I loved, that I did all the time and then I just stopped, but it is coming back. I am making better choices, for the most part, and I am being productive today, and it is not even sunny out. It is unusual for me to be this productive when it isn’t sunny out. I have that depression when you don’t see the sun, which sucks when you live in Oregon. It is weird I can totally tell a difference when it is sunny out, I don’t have force myself into a good mood. The big thing I need to do right now, is my taxes, and for whatever reason I don’t want to do them. I hope I get money back, but there is that chance that I will have to pay and that sucks, but if I get money back, I could really use it right now. Its funny, the less I have to do, the less I get done, I more I have to do, the busier I am, the more I seem to get done, doesn’t that seem ass backwards? Anyways that is all for now.

Tell People What They Need To Hear

2008-02-28T19:44:00.000-08:00

I was watching the Montel Show the other day, and before you judge me, there was not much on, and more than I was actually watching it, it was on while I was busy doing other things. Anyways he had this psychic on there, and people in the audience would stand up and ask a question, sometimes it was about a traumatic experience they had, if someone who was dead "still came around", and a lot of people wanting to know if they were on the right career path, if their relationship would last, or if they had made the right decision recently. I don't believe in psychics, but as I was listening, it occurred to me that mostly she was telling people what they wanted/needed to hear, a little affirmation. Yes your relationship will last, yes there is a career change coming for you, etc. So my thought is that we all just need people around us that knows us, have a little insight, and can affirm us in the right direction. I know this is kinda random, but was just something that I was thinking about. So maybe we all need to be this kind of person to other people.

Wasted

2008-02-13T22:06:00.000-08:00

I have not been coping in the healthiest of ways, I have made bad choices, as a result I have wasted a lot of time, a lot of energy, and a lot of money. It has not all been bad, but I have been severely unproductive for months now. My life has consisted mostly of working and sleeping, with little time for friends, or people in general. Recently I have been hating people, and irrationally pissed off, at people, things, life, the world. I am tired of feeling this way, I do not like who I have become, I don’t like the way I feel, and have decided that it is time to make some better choices, and start living a healthier life in general. I know that I will not be perfect all the time. Some of the last few months have helped me embrace parts of me, parts that needed to be embraced, but some of them need to be let go of. I have isolated myself, and now I need to let people back in. I let go, I tried to trust again, I tried to hope, I tried to believe in the human race again, I have only been disappointed, but somehow I am trying to find the strength to hope, to trust, and believe again.

I was actually productive a couple days ago, it really helped that it has warmed up, and the sun has even come out, I have spring fever, which is good, it has helped in my motivation. I don’t have certain people around to distract me, and I am not working as much to consume my time and make me tired.

Back in the day when I started this blog, it was meant to be an update of what was happening in my life and ministry, but since ministry has been put on hold, for now, maybe indefinitely, that is why it has fallen pretty much silent, because there has not been much interesting to write about, mostly me just wanting to write, or complain, or to express the few small joys that have come my way. That is something that I am working on, trying to find and see more of the joys that come daily.

My Thread

2007-11-20T00:58:00.000-08:00

I can’t sleep, too many things running through my head. It has not been an easy year, heck right now I feel like it has not been an easy life. I want to be happy, I just want to be happy. Some title me as sick, twisted, dark, depressed, and morbid, while others think I am great and amazing. Truth: I am both, it depends on the day, on the moment. I am not polished and put together, I am human, I am not put together, I am not polished, I have problems, but who doesn’t? I am human. I don’t think of myself as anything great or extraordinary, some have seen me that way because I am (or was, or am, or will be) a missionary. That makes me feel like I should be polished, and put together and know what I am doing, but I don’t. Right now I don’t even know what the right thing to do with my life is, or maybe I do, but maybe I scared of it. I know, I know what I want, but it does not seem that extraordinary, or important, and for sure it will not be easy, but it is simple. I want to love, to love deeply, I can do that, and yeah I get hurt, I get taken advantage of, I get screwed over, but some where, some how I find the strength to love again, or to continue to love. I want to work with artist, to facilitate them so their work is bringing people to know God, I want their work to be used to raise awareness for issues like human trafficking, AIDS, prostitution, Female Genital Mutilation/Circumcision (FGM/C). I want to be able to provide health care to those who need it, I want to write stories about my experiences and the people I meet and their lives, I want to hold children who have been left, abandoned, with no one to love them, maybe they are dying of AIDS, and there is no one to hold them. That is what I want to do. That is my life passion, simple, it is that simple. That is my unpolished mission and vision statement. I don’t know how is all fits together, I don’t know what it looks like, I don’t have skills in most of these areas or minimal skills, but this is what I want to give my life too. This is it. So it doesn’t fit in a box, it is not polished, clean, or well put together, but it is what I want to do. Anyone know where I can do this? Anyone want to do this with me? Anyone what to help me do this? So that is what I want to do, now I need to find the money to do it. It will not be cheap, it will cost a lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of love. Time and love I have, it is the money that is the hindrance. This is where it gets hard for me. Me who is strong, and independent, and has taken care of herself since was 5 years old, has to ask for help. I have to take my sort of vague, big and clumsy, unpolished “vision” and “sell” it to people and ask them to give money towards it!!!! That is what makes this hard for me, my independence, and my pride are standing in the way. I have to ask people who are just like me, searching for happiness, trying to grab a hold of their dreams, and ask them to support mine. That is what is killing me. I wish I could kill my strength, pride and independence. It has been a hard, and mostly dark year for me. The battle between what I want, what is right, and letting parts of me die, has been intense, and it is really intense right now. But I am holding on to a thread of hope, a thread that brings me life, and thread that someday I will get there. All I have is a thread, but I will not let it go. I have reminders of baby Kennedy, 6 months old (2 years ago) that I spent days holding and playing with the last time I was in Uganda. I wonder how is at almost 2.5 years old, I wonder who has held since me, and if he ever found a home. I wonder about 8 month old Tabitha (2 years ago), who tested positive for HIV while I was playing with her. She always cried when I put her down, she would always go to sleep when I held her, how is she now, is she still alive, will I ever get to see her again. These babies are part of my thread of hope. So that is my thread of hope in the darkness, the pitch black darkness, that I am living in right now. The thread of hope that make the great and amazing me want to show her face. For now there are still no answers, unless someone has some suggestions for me????? I am tired now, so I must sleep, I have to work tomorrow, which means I need to get up early, and really should have been sleeping a long time ago. But I am not giving up my thread.

Vicious Circles

2007-11-19T10:44:00.000-08:00

I am so confused, so frustrated. I just need to make a decision and stick with it. I keep going back and forth, nothing feels fully right. I really want to be in missions, and ministry, I want it bad, but I feel like I am forcing it to happen. I am also scared to death of it. I know it will not be easy. In some ways I am hoping that going back in to ministry will strengthen my relationship with God, and I think that is one of the reasons that I want it so badly. But the truth is I need to have a strong relationship with God no matter what it is that I am doing with my life. So I think maybe it is better for me to keep my job, keep working, continue to get out of debt, save up some money, and take some time to really own my relationship with God. But when I think about that, everything that I have been working for, all the stuff that I have, it all seems pointless, now. I really did get it for the purpose of ministry. And I think, I need to find a real job, I can’t stay a banquet server forever. So this is not really about this job or that job, it is about my relationship with God, and it is about what I am going to do with my life. Part of the struggle is, I have seen and done too much, and I can not settle for just working. I want to be a part of something bigger, something that I know is making a difference in the world, I need to know that I am doing something to impact people, ultimately that is what makes me happy. Maybe it is a matter of finding the right thing, in the right place, at the right time? I guess that is part of it, I want, I need to find my place in this world, that is something I have always struggled with. I am not getting any younger, I thought all of this was suppose to be out of my system by now, and here I am wading through it, trying to figure it out. That is what people told me, give it a few years and it will be out of your system. Well it was 5.5 years, and now I am trying to get rid of it, but it keeps haunting me, because it is a part of me, it affects what I do and what I think, but I don’t know how to communicate this to people, and if I am going to do this, I need people to come with me, to believe in me and what I am doing, and give towards it. I think that people need to stop being selfish and start making a difference in the world. Really I want to have it all, and I just don’t know if that is possible. I have dreams, lots of dreams, and I believe that they can come true, but it is a process, and I have trouble sticking things out through the process sometimes. I want to travel the world, I want to see artist traveling the world, using their skills to bring people to Christ, and raising awareness for issues, I want to be able to offer health care to those I meet that need it, I want to write stories about those that meet, so the rest of the world can know, and I want to hold babies and play with kids that have been left with one to love them, these are my dreams, and they don’t fit in anyone’s box, they are scary, it will mean giving up a lot, and when I am in it will be worth it, but I don’t know how to get there!!!!! So maybe I just need some more time, more time to figure it all out, to “find myself”, to get myself back on track with God, and continue getting my finances in order. While all of this is happening, I can volunteer my time, and look for opportunities to do what I think I will love. I am even thinking about going back to school, who knows. There are about three things that I want to do, it is just trying to figure out how I can do them all at the same time, and well getting the skills in my tool box to do them. So here is to pursuing my dreams in a kinda round-about way. God help me, something still does not feel right about this. I wish there was another way. Ugggg save me from myself. I wish someone could do this for me, but I know I have to do it myself, I have to do myself. I hate this cycle, I want it to end, the circles are vicious.

Flicker of Excitement

2007-11-11T21:49:00.000-08:00

Fall has settled in, and is making room for winter. The stores are bursting with Christmas, Santa is coming soon to a mall near you, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I dislike holidays, all of them really, but particularly Christmas. There just seems to be too much hype, too much pressure, and seemingly very little meaning, or it has all been lost, in the hype. Okay enough about that, I am a Grinch, and I know there are plenty of people who actually really like the holidays, and I do not want to take their joy.

So I have been wondering why is it is so hard for people to love. Actually I think that people love each other more than we admit to it. We are afraid to admit to it, why? Its like we walk around with it, and we never say anything about it, we never act on it, why? I know that it is scary, I am scared of it. I think sometimes it is more hurtful to not say anything, to not act on it, then to walk around keeping it inside. I don’t know, I don’t really know where I am going with this, or what I am trying to say, but I know that there are a lot of hurting people in the world and they need to be loved, so why are we so afraid to love? Why am I so afraid to love? Why am I so afraid to be loved?

So I finally did it, I found the motivation to write my newsletter. It was not actually that bad, it really only took me a couple hours to pump out a rough draft, it still needs polishing and finishing touches, but the bulk of it is over. To be honest, something happened that scared me, and I realized how much I miss full time ministry, and the life that comes with it. Also I had a meeting with a friend and the opportunities that were presented to me, gave me a flicker of excitement, I have not had even a flicker of excitement in a very long time. It was just the kick in the butt that I needed to start moving in the right direction. So here I go, moving, which is better than not moving at all, which seems to be where I have been stuck. Okay enough rambling.

2007-10-14T22:57:00.001-07:00

Relationships…..money…….happiness…….stuff……life

2007-10-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

I hung out with some friends today, it was really fun, we went wine tasting. I rarely get Saturday’s off, and when I do my friends generally have other plans, so it was nice to actually get to do something fun and with people I hardly get to spend time with anymore. I have not had much time to spend with my friends because I have been working a lot, too much. My motivation; money, I working my ass off for money. I am starting to believe that saying “money is the root of all evil”. I am working so hard, for so much money, so that I can get out of debt, and yes progress is being made ( have paid off over half of it), and that is encouraging, very encouraging, and I have been able to acquire a lot of stuff that is necessary to live and to do what I ultimately want to do. So now I have all the stuff, and I have money to pay my bills, but my heart is dying, my relationships are suffering, my happiness is gone and it just is not worth it to me. Not anymore, it is not good for me, and I don’t like it, but I need money to live, it does not change the fact that I have bills to pay, so I have to make a plan of action. Now I am not talking about being a dead-beat, staying home sitting on the couch eating bon-bon’s all day. I would not, I could not ever do that, I have to be doing something. I want to go back to doing what I know I was made for, the thing that brought me life, traveling the world, doing my part to make a difference. I will not lie, I like having money, I like being able to buy what I want, I like knowing that my bills will be paid, but I don’t like what it has done to my heart, I don’t like what it has done to my relationships, and I don’t like what it has done to me. I want to do what I love and have the money to do it, otherwise the frustration will continue, and I am tired of being frustrated. I don’t like that I feel like a loser, that I feel like I don’t have any friends. I fell out of life for a couple weeks, I just disappeared, I did not want to be found, now I am trying to tell myself and everyone else that everything is okay, put a smile on my face, and make it through the day. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I suck at pretending. So it was good that I was able to spend time with my friends, doing something fun. I was talking to some friends, I said something that was my opinion, and I was immediately shut down by one of these friends. I could say that I am entitled to my opinion or that I have I right to my opinion, (which I would like to be true) but I am not going there. The point is, I shared my opinion, and this friend of mine did not validate it or anything, they just didn’t want to go there, they did not want to hear about it. Maybe I am retarded (it’s been known to happen), but I listen to them talk about their life, about the stuff happening in their world, even if I don’t want to hear it at the time, even if I have heard it a million times, isn’t that what friends are for? I want to be heard! I want to be encouraged! I want to be validated! With this same group of friends I happened to mention a desire of mine, and they commented that I have had that desire for as long as they have known me, and sort of belittled it. I don’t belittle their dreams, their desires, and right now would be a good time for someone to encourage me in mine, I know that is totally selfish, but I do it for other people even when I don’t believe it for myself. I am tired of feeling like my dreams and my desires will never come true, it makes it hard to fight for them. All of this is only adding to the “loser factor” in my life. Maybe I am wanting and expecting too much from life, from people. It seems that I don’t have much left in common with those who were my real friends, making it a challenge to hang out, and I don’t live a life very similar to those I work with, also aiding me in the feeling of not having many friends. I am not saying that I don’t have any friends, because there are still a few that call me when they have not heard from me, or seen me in a while, but there are some that have just sort of faded a way, and there are the few that call only when they need something, these are the ones I wish would fade away because I am sucker and usually can’t say no, knowing full well that I am being taken advantage of. I am stuck in a rut, I am trying to get out, I am holding on to only shreds of hope, all because I thought I was doing what I am suppose to be doing, because I am trying to be responsible, I am trying to do the right thing and it feels all wrong, it feels like it is costing me everything, and I don’t like it. I am trying to change it, I am going back to what I love, what I know I was made to do, I am not making decisions based on people anymore, and I am hoping that I will have the money to do it.

Decisions

2007-09-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

I sit at one of my favorite hiding spots, I have much to think about, much to decide. I have been so busy that I feel weird having time to do stuff. It has made me uncomfortable, anxious, restless. I am trying to find peace, I have exhausted all my resources, spending money, making contact with old friends, everything. Now I am forced to do what I have been avoiding, making decisions.

I have gone from working 50 to 60 hours a week, to if I am lucky I will get 30. That is a huge difference. So I have begun looking for another job, I need something to occupy myself. I have also realized that I am dissatisfied with my life. The goal is still at hand, get out of debt, but the way has to be different. I have decided that January is it, no matter what I will be back in full time ministry. There has to be an end, I can’t keep letting this ride out. I am tired of holding on, tired of holding on to hope, tired of waiting. It feels like victory is never is gong to come. Victory needs a deadline. I don’t want to any more, I can’t. I say that, but it is only September, and January is 4 months away. I have been doing this for too long and I just don’t care to do it anymore. I have a problem with fulfilling my imitate gratification, that is what got me into this mess in the first place. Does this make any sense? So that is the goal, that is what I hold on too. That makes for a lot of things to have to take place in those 4 months, that sometimes feel so far away, and sometimes feels so quickly approaching. I have to decide what it is that I will do when I come back, I have to raise support, which means a huge time commitment, a lot of communication, and a lot of work. All of which I am dreading, but has to be done. There are so many questions. What if God doesn’t speak? What if He doesn’t show up? What if I am doing all of this in vain? I will never know if I do not try, but I am afraid to try. I will never know if I do not try. I have to at least take the step, I have to try to fight for what I believe in. I have to prepare my mind, my heart, my soul. Transition it seems is always a process, and always takes longer than expected. So here is to my step of faith, to seeing the long await dreams come true. To finding what I know is true, fulfilling my dreams, doing what it takes to make it happen, and it actually happing. Wish me luck, if anyone still reads this loser blog of mine. Here is to being FREE!!!!!!!!!

Community Living and Relationships

2007-08-06T22:36:00.001-07:00

These past few days I have read several friends blog’s that discuss living in community. Funny enough, at one point we all lived together in a large community (no we are not hippies). We seem to be a generation that values people and relationships, they are longing to live in community again, I too have been feeling relational deficient these last couple weeks. Living in community has its pluses and minuses, pluses there are always people around, things to do, people to hang out with. Minuses there are always people around, even when you don’t want them around. I have recently moved out of community, well out of the larger community, to a smaller community, meaning I live with 3 other girls now, not the 6 that I did and the other 40 people that lived on the same property. They are great girls, I love them to death, but our lives are very different. I can actually go days without seeing them. The point of these blogs is they want to live closer to people they know, so that there is more interaction with each other. I still know people who live in a rather large community, and they so desperately long to get out of it. I think we don’t know what we have till its gone, I didn't, I wanted out, and now that I am out, I want back in. I completely understand, I complained too, about all the same stuff, the TV being too loud, or people coming home late and being loud, nobody taking the trash out, or cleaning up after themselves. I wanted out of it, I wanted to pick my roommates and make my own rules, and now that I have, I miss the value of having people in my life. I miss always having something to do, someone to hang out with, people watching me, challenging me to grow to get over myself. Truth is I feel like I am out of sight, out of mind. Nobody calls me just to say HI, nobody calls to see if I am free to hang out. I am just as guilty of the same, and yeah I do work a lot so the chances are slim that I actually can out, but all those times that I am not busy, I hate having to be the one to hunt people down to see if they want to hang out. Funny thing is there are several people who live within a mile of me, some just across the street and I never see them, ever. It’s because we don’t make the effort, I don’t and they don’t we are both guilty. Relationships take effort, weather the effort is a drive across town, a phone call, heck send a text message or e-mail for crying out loud, just let people know that you are thinking about them. Relationships are time consuming, and take mass amounts of effort, but to be honest I would give anything to have more people around me right now. I would get over the fact that I always have to empty the garbage, or that the TV is too loud, just to have the value of relationships again. I know that not everyone is as driven by people as I am, and that it is totally different when your married or have kids, which I don’t, but I do long for the value of relationships again. Longing for the value of relationships, means I have to take the time again, and make the effort, because if I am not I can’t expect someone else too, right? Right! So the challenge lies before us all, no matter where we live, how close or far, people are important. This is my little soapbox for tonight. Give me sometime and I will find a new one, I am sure.

Missing Generation

2007-07-31T20:57:00.001-07:00

It occurred to me the other day, that it seems people my age are missing from the world in general. It is not just at church or ministry, but in general. I know people who are 18 to 22, then 32 and older. There are a few that fall in that missing age group like me, but really, only a few. I have noticed this at my job, at church, almost everywhere I go. I don't really know where the official breaks in generations are, but I have noticed this age group in largely missing. I don't know if they have all been aborted, or if maybe I forgot to grow up, and get a real job. Maybe they are just living a different life than me. Maybe they have all choose to get an education, and start their careers, buy houses and start a family, none of which I have done. Maybe they all spend their free time hanging out in bars, which I don't do. So it is possible that they are out there somewhere in the world, and I just don't know where they are. It is possible that I am in the wrong places and have missed too many boats. Regardless they are missing from my life, and I find that interesting. Its not that I do not have friends, I do, they almost all fall in the older or younger category. If anyone reads this and has some thoughts on it, I'd like to hear. Just something that I noticed.

BEHOLD!

2007-05-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

Wow!!! So much to say, where do I start? The conference was nothing short of amazing. Honored to have worked with some of the most amazing people in the world, humbled by their humility, and willingness to let things get messy so that God could do His stuff. The first morning began with an invitation to go be with God, inside the invitation was a scripture that said something about letting go of the old, and grabbing the new. So the first few days for me personally, were, well, a lot of letting go. These last few months have been, to say the least, tough. I have been struggling with a lot of disappointments, hurt and pain, all of which, God kindly addressed, and asked me to let go of, which with Him (and some friends) I was able to. It was a literal walking off the pain. So after I had let go of the old, I now am left with many questions about what exactly I am to be taking a hold of. I am very excited about the opportunities that have been presented, still praying which ones I am to grab a hold of.

I can look back now and see His faithfulness everyday, even where I could not see it before. There is a new dependency on Him. Revelation of how He has allowed all of these experiences to shape me, and to give me authority to speak to things. If I have never been hurt how can I experience God as a Comforter and tell others about that? Amazingly, every time someone would come up and talk to me during the conference, their words confirmed things that God Himself had already been telling me. Another thing that I am trying to grasp, is to fully live what God has made me to be. There is an awareness of what I am capable of, but to be honest, I am scared to death of it. I am becoming aware that it is not honoring to God, to not live up to what He has created me to be.

Literally days before the conference I moved into a new apartment with some friends!!! It’s cute and nice, and I am loving it, though it is taking some adjustment. Now that the conference is over I am left with my many questions for God, but a renewed sense of hope, and faith. I need to get settled into my new place, I need to get my taxes done, I need answers to my many questions about my future, and I am overwhelmed by the daunting task of communicating, personally, with those that I have neglected for so long, due to my lack of knowing what to communicate, how to communicate it, and really my own lack of desire to communicate anything at all. Truth be told, not much of my circumstances have changed, but a lot of my attitude has changed, and that has made the biggest difference. I am so very grateful, He is so very faithful, and the peace has been restored.

FLuId

2007-04-20T21:33:00.001-07:00

It seems that my life has been like fluid these last few months. It has been ebbing and flowing, like the oceans tides, changing on some days by the minute. So much to do, so many decisions to make. At times I have felt like the ocean of life has been slamming me up against giant rocks, I have tried to grab on, but have failed, and slipped back into the churning of the ocean, other times I have just been riding the waves. It is a little scary to say, but the think I am coming out of it. Scary because every time I think that, I find myself caught in the whirlpool once again. Well I have finally moved, I have lived in this community for 5 years now, and am striking out on my own (another step in growing up). I am blessed to live with 3 wonderful friends, who share the same passions as me, and have also lived in this community, we have found a cute little apartment. Housing has been a huge issue for me the last couple months, but God has opened the doors, and just in time too, I am so grateful, I just had to wait patiently.

Tomorrow I head off to New Mexico for the North American Leaders conference. I am very excited for this time, not only do I get a change of scenery, but I have been working hard with the team to plan and prepare for this time. I am very excited for what God has in store for this time. Our theme is a tornado, which represents God, He is not always safe, but He is always good. I feel like my life has been a tornado these last few months. This conference will not be like any other in history!!!! I am hoping to get some answers, I am hoping for some new perspective, I am hoping to find some new opportunities, and well, I am needing a revelation of God, like I have never had before, and I am needing to surrender yet again, to let Him, break me and make me what He has intended. Its weird, I have noticed that the things I turn too for comfort, don’t really bring me comfort anymore, but I am trying to find it there. I have to let everything go, and let God, when I finally get that, and do it, maybe the churning of the ocean will cease. Hopefully there will be some things to update while I am gone, or when I come back.

Caught Between

2007-03-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

Feeling restless I finally escaped to one of my favorite coffee shops to do some work and think, something that I have been longing for, for weeks now. I am settled now that it has happened.

The thing that has been looming over my head for more than a week now has been the fact that I am caught between two worlds. My quest to fulfill the passions of my heart has taken a very different path than I thought. I feel like I have been living in two different worlds. I have one foot in one world, this is a very safe place, one full of hope, passion, dreams, encouragement, and loving people. The other is what I call the outside world, which is what most of us live in and experience daily, the “real world”. It is like doing the splits. A couple months ago I had to make a choice, and I chose what I call the “real world”, mostly because I had too, but I can see now where I really wanted it. There are parts of it that really appealed to me. At first it was not hard to let the other world go. Now several months into it, I want to go back. I hate my job, I am getting screwed over and being taken advantage of. I hate that I can’t do the things that I am passionate about. I have an obligation to get out of debt, and it is nice to know that the bills will be paid, but I hate every minute of it, there is no passion in it, merely mundane tasks. Can’t I do the things that I am passionate about and not have to constantly live with the stress of wondering where the money to pay the bills will come from? I would rather be doing the things that I am passionate about. God is telling me to be faithful, so I am. It is draining me, but I am clinging to Him. I have a deep respect for those who daily are living in the real world being an example of Christ, because it is not easy out there, and I also have a deep respect for those who have given it all up to do full-time ministry, that too is not easy. Both are hard in different ways, both bring different kinds of battles; I have to choose which one I am willing to fight. Do I fight for my passions or do I fight for the stuff that will drive my passions? Maybe this is a process of blending the two, I have always desired that, but right now I do not know if that is possible.

Today there was a rally to raise awareness for human trafficking. This is something that I am passionate about, and have been for years now. I wish that I had more time and energy to be involved, but I do not, and I don’t like it. The rally was good; many of my friends were involved in putting it on. This is the thing that has opened my eyes to the current frustration. I see people doing what I have only dreamt of for years, and now I am in a place that I can not be involved. I have been waiting for an opportunity, maybe I should have created it, but I am have always been held back by a lack of finances. Now I have the money, but lack the time. It takes both, ugh, I have had a taste of both worlds, now they need to come together, but how? There has to be answer to all of this, but I don’t have it. I am so frustrated, the things I was working for, the things I wanted, don’t seem important anymore, the things I am passionate about seem important. 2 million women and children trafficked every year, in a vain attempt to take care of themselves, to find freedom, and I am concerned about having more “stuff”. The stuff is so that I can be effective in helping to stop these kinds of things, to bring change, to make a difference. So yes it is needed, but why is it so hard for me? I know that He is God, that He is good, and that I am doing my part, but I have to keep all of it in His hands. What is the answer? Is it possible to have it all, or am I just being completely selfish???

On another note, I think that spring is here, it has been warm, some sun, and some clouds, but the warmer temps are nice. I went for a walk today, and noticed that the grass seems to be really green, everything seems to be really fresh, and that is exciting to me.

The answers are coming, I have to be patient.

Cruising

2007-03-13T00:59:00.000-07:00

I was driving to the airport to pick up a friend last week, one that just officially joined staff. I decided to try out the cruise control on my new car. So there I was cruising up I-5, all I had to do was turn the wheel with the curves in the road, avoid things (like other cars), which meant that occasionally I had to tap the brakes, but then all I had to do was push a button and the car would maintain it’s speed. Then it hit me, I am on cruise control in my life!!!!! I actually started thinking about how all the people that have come on staff here in the last year are so alive, passionate, thinking they are going to change the world. Then I got smug, “I was like that at first too”, but now I know the truth, that the daily grind wears on you, “they will figure it out too”, I found myself thinking. RED FLAG: What! I am in missions; I am called to change the world that is why I am here. WOW something is very wrong. I have lost it, the passion, the belief that God wants to use me, that I can make a difference in the world, yet this is what I am basing my entire life on, no wonder I am tired and worn out, and feel like everything has been wrong, BECAUSE IT HAS. Fast forward, then I realized that I often have these moments of “oh I get it” they seem huge, but I never actually follow though and apply it to my life, mostly because I do not know how too, or do not want to make the effort too. It is a big deal, if I actually take these thoughts back to God and ask Him to work them into my life, which happens on occasion. He is faithful, and usually, gently, He does. So there is something that I want to work on, God help me, to begin to incorporate these awe inspiring thoughts, into my life. I am sure if I did, my life would not be the same and neither would the world be, therefore, my life would be making a difference in the world, ha, the very thing I long for, significance, to make a difference. Fast forward a few days now; I went to church, the topic; Spiritual Identity Theft: Satan’s 3 schemes of this are 1) I have to Provide for myself 2) I have to Prove myself and 3) I need to Pleasure myself (the pastor had to stick with P’s) but what he really meant was I want to have it all!!!!! Ouch, I have all 3 operating in my life right now. Since I feel like God has not provided for me in the past, causing me to go into debt, I now have to prove myself responsible, by providing for myself, and there are something’s that I want (got to have it all) that He has not given me so I will get them myself. OUCH!!! Then I thought of one of those little Christianese slogans we throw around a lot, “Pray as if it all depends on God, and live as if it all depends on me” The message is a good one, trust God to do His part, but I also have to do my part. Side note there are a lot of little sayings that we use in the Christian world, and sometimes I think we just throw them around, without thinking, just like it is really easy to just sing the words to worship songs, without really knowing what you are saying. Anyways back to my point, this saying, WOW, it is another thing that I need God’s help actually living out in my life. Right now I have the “live as if it all depends on me” part down really well, but I have forgotten the “pray like it all depends on Him” part. Now I am seeing results, based just upon the “me” part, and yes an epiphany moment, how much more would it be if I was praying like it all depended on God!!!! Now there is an explosive combination. Think about it. WOW, I really want to try this out and see what results. So I need to get off cruise control, it is time to take back control of the wheel, I need to begin to live out the things that I think about (this is a big one, God help me), and I need to begin to pray like it all depends on Him, while I continue to live like it all depends on me, which means I need to make more time to be with God on a regular basis. If I do these things I think the passion will come back, and I will get my identity back too. Now the actual application of this in my life will prove to be far more difficult than simply writing the thoughts I had about it all.

Beautiful Day

2007-03-12T00:15:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful day today. That’s right 72 degrees, some sun with some clouds. I LOVED IT!!!!! I was suppose to work, but they told me not to come in, so that’s right a day off too, it really was a glorious day. Spring is almost here, YEAH!!!!!!!

Pondering

2007-03-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

So I am “stepping back”, trying to lay low, which really means that I am taking on working with a huge conference, of major leaders from the mission, something that excites me and scares me all at the same time. I am supposed to be laying low, so that I can further step into other things, like working. Over the last several days lots of stuff about my job has occurred to me. Last night I was talking to a guy that I work with, and he says that he hasn’t figured me out yet, like who am I outside of work, he said that I send mixed messages. The truth is I have and I do. It is not that I am a different person depending on which job I am at. I am a hard worker, friendly, outgoing, bend-over--backwards-to-make-anybody-look-good-hoping-the-whole-time-that-I-won’t-be-noticed-for-it type. I know that people see this in me, and has been a struggle at different times for different reasons. I also know that this is taken advantage of at work; I am asking for more training, 1) so that I can have a better understanding, 2) I will be able to jump in more and help out, like I do naturally anyway and 3) eventually I will be able to make more money, but my manager doesn’t want to train me, because I am good at what I do, he doesn’t have to tell me what to do, things just get done, and he looks good, and with this training he may lose me, because I am a good worker and everyone sees it. Now I am not out to screw anyone over, but I have to do what is good for me, and I am thinking this is not the best. At the same time I hear and see a lot of things that I really would rather not know about, but I am trusted so I do. I am stuck because I don’t want to “tell on people”, but some things need to be brought to light. I will not lie, in saying when I started this job, I was in a very tough place, and I, YES I, compromised my own character by my actions. Now that I am gaining sight of God again, and control of my life, I want to show my character, but it puts me in a tough place. They don’t understand where I am coming from, I want to be a “normal” person, not a religious freak, so how could I change so quickly? But I don’t know who to trust, so I don’t know who to talk too, so I keep my mouth shut, and nothing changes, which sucks. I so desperately want to live a life at a higher standard (the one God calls me too), but often I feel so far from it. I want to live with integrity and character, but am so aware of my humanness and every mistake that I make. I desperately want to make a difference in the world, but don’t feel like I even know where to begin. It seems in one environment, they recognize that there is something different about me, yet they can relate to me, in the other environment, it seems that I never quite get there, and I just don’t fit. It is such a struggle, what to do. The place that I don't fit, is the one that I truly want, and the one where they see something in me, well it is the one that I am getting. I think I thought I wanted it, but it is now becoming more and more uncomfortable. I know that I am on a very exciting path to something, big, and good, I just have to keep walking, I think it will be too good to be true, but I really don't know what that is yet. I keep pondering and waiting.

Stepping back -- Vision Clearing

2007-02-28T00:06:00.000-08:00

I am stepping back, back from the insanity that I have been living in. It takes some effort, I have to force myself to rest, but I am doing it. Today I read a scripture and the parallels to my life were astonishing. Mark 8:22-26; it is about a blind guy that Jesus ultimately heals. First the blind mans friends had to help him leave the village. I would assume that the village is home or at least a place of familiarity. Once the blind man is outside the village, also away from people, Jesus approaches him. Jesus then proceeds to spit in the guy’s eyes, now I would actually be offended by this, but after the spitting, Jesus puts his hands on the guys eyes and speaks to them. Then Jesus asks the blind man if he can see? The blind man responds, he can see people, but they look like trees. This implies that the man was able to see at some point prior to his blindness. He does not tell Jesus that the healing is not complete, but it is obvious that it is not finished. Without asking, Jesus repeats the process, and the man’s sight is completely restored. Jesus instructions to the man now are to go home, but do not return to the village. This tells me that the village was not home, but also that there was something that was affecting this mans sight in the village. So how does this relate to me? Well I have decided to step back, in the process of stepping back I realized that I have lost all perspective. As I am stepping back, my vision, perspective, is getting clearer. Now it is not totally clear, but I know that it will become completely restored. I had to leave my village, and I had to have friends that would go with me. Once my vision is completely restored, I will return “home”, but not back to my village. The village has been one of familiarity. I do not know exactly what all of this means for me, or what it will end up looking like, but I do know that I am excited, and I am expecting good things to come out of this “stepping back”. Good things are happening, and as I am stepping back, and seeing clearer, all the things have not been in vain, God has been there the whole time, even though He has spit in my eyes. I am seeing where in reality I have been on the front lines of something much, much, much bigger than I ever thought, or even dreamt of. My eyes are small, and have limited vision, but with God there is so much to see. I will write more later and hopefully be able to include more details then. For now I wait with expectancy and excitement.

A Lass

2007-02-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have not been writing because I do not have time. I love to write, it is a huge part of my life, and it makes sad that I do not have time for it. So many thoughts have swirled around in my head these last weeks, so many things have taken place. Where to begin, what is important? I have been so busy and stressed out, that it is not healthy. So I began to attempt to eliminate stress from my life. I think that I am doing well with that, but I am still busy, too busy to write and too busy to keep up with my relationships, I don’t like that.

Sometime prayers are answered in unexpected ways, at times this leads to disappointment, but sometimes it is mind-blowing. I have come to realize that a lot of my experience has led to disappointment, though in it I know that God has been there with me. This time it is a bit mind-blowing. I don’t want to bore you with all of the details, but the need for a car has been overwhelming these last few months. I had bought a car, which was a blessing, but it turned out to not be such a good car. It has spent more time being broken down then actually running. This has caused more stress than is worth even talking about, but it is sad that our culture drives us to have so much stuff in order to function. I live in a smaller city, well actually outside of the city, so using public transportation in not an option, and I have to get back and forth to work, so a car has become a need, not an option. After months of borrowing multiple peoples cars, and consistently looking for rides (there are so many that I am forever grateful for helping me out in this area), which was a stress all in itself. I began to feel like a burden to all in my life, but I had to get to work. Anyways I have said too much about this already, but I did finally buy a car that will be good to me. It is amazing how much stress has been eliminated by simply knowing that I can get up in the morning, get ready, go out, get in the car, start it (it will actually start), and I know that I can get to where I am going. God was really in the purchase of this car, it is a really nice car, nicer than I could have ever imagined, but it is nice to know that I don’t have to worry anymore. In these last weeks, a very good friend of mine, (one which I long to spend more time with), gave me her old laptop, so now I have a laptop to do all my work on. I have been praying for a laptop for years now, and finally an answer!!!! With these huge blessings in my life, and other things, there have been vast improvements in my stress level. I feel so materialistic, I do not want to be, but really these are blessings to me, and open doors so that I can continue to do what God is asking of me. Now I just need to work on managing my cram-packed schedule better, so that there is time for the things that I love, people, writing, and well sleep, not that I love to sleep, but it is something that my body demands.

Things with the conference are plugging away. I am very excited; this conference is going to be like none other. God is going to move in huge ways. As we talk and pray in our meetings, the things that are coming up are really hitting me. There are things that I need to deal with in my heart and life; they are things that God wants to deal with, not only for me, but others. I know that I am not alone in all of this; there are others who have had similar struggles.

I am entering a season of starting over, getting a fresh start, this is something that I think I have known needs to happen. Getting a fresh start means that everything will change, and change is what is happening in my life. So many changes, I did not expect, but I know that they are good changes, hard ones, but good. It is stepping out of my comfort zone, one that I did not realize just how comfortable it was. I need to cut loose from the familiar, because it is not all good for me. The lies are familiar, the responses are familiar; the things, the people they are all familiar. It is time for the unfamiliar, to get uncomfortable. Not that I have been comfortable these last several months, because I have not. The ending goal is still the same, the path to get there is unknown, truly a season of one day at a time. There are many opportunities out there, which ones will be right for me, is unknown at this time, but in time they will be revealed, of this I am sure.

The reality of being an adult and growing up has set in. I had to go buy grown up, professional clothes this last week; I cannot solely be a jeans, tank top, and flip flop girl anymore. When I think back to middle school and high school, really a time of life that I would rather not go back too, but when I think back to all the drama, all the stuff that happened, it seems so petty. While it was happening, it seemed really intense, but now I wish those were my only concerns, they would not be such a big deal. Maybe in another 10 years, all that is occurring now will not seem to be as big of a deal as it feels like right now. That is part of life process, part of the growing and evolving that must take place. Wow this has been a really long post; I guess I am making up for lost time. I hope that I did not lose you somewhere up there in the midst of my car drama. Hopefully, more to come soon.

Open Hands

2007-02-04T00:43:00.001-08:00

I wish that I was confident in making good decisions for my life. I have made so many bad ones, and seem to be paying the price for every bad choice I have made my whole life, all at the same time. Thus feeling trapped. Trapped, I am grasping for something, anything that may be an answer, a fix, a solution, bring comfort. The more I grab at things, the worse they seem to get, and now a downward, out of control, spiral. Its hard to work my way back up. I want it all to end, to go away. I am tired of back pedaling for all the mistakes, yet with each new choice I make, things seem to only get harder, and more out of control. I need to hold things loosely, with open hands, I am grasping and clutching, things to quickly and too tightly. I need to have patience, to wait, and when I know, then hold lightly, allowing God to have all that He has given. Learning to sit and wait with open hands.

AND…………..He Spoke

2007-01-25T00:16:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling very insecure about helping out with the Leaders Conference. I don’t have much confidence in hearing God. Today we had a prayer meeting and I was a little nervous about it. I am a little intimidated by all of this, I feel so small compared to these amazing people who have much more experience than me. I know all of the people and feel comfortable with them, but all this feels so beyond me. I went to the prayer meeting, and it started off by thanking God for all that He has done in our group, and all the experiences that we have shared together. Now I have shared a few experiences with these people, but most of them have been working together for 10 or more years, so I don’t have as many, and was feeling a little out of place. So I sat silently, trying to look like I was really trying to hear God. Then they all shared how grateful they are that I am working with them, and that they are really excited to have me as part of the team. Now I am relaxing a little bit. Then…..I am given something to pray for, something I don’t know anything about. Of course, God actually did speak to me, and it was amazing. I got a picture that someone else had (confirmation), and there were a few more details too. It seemed that suddenly there was a breakthrough and lots of things started falling into place and began making sense. It was incredible!!! I walked away amazed, shocked, and excited to be involved in this conference and with these people.

As you are aware, based upon my last several posts, things have been tough. I have spent much time in the last week or so with God. I have jumped off some cliffs as I am climbing this mountain, but things seem to be looking up. Now nothing has really changed in my life, not physically anyways, but something is definitely different. I am sure that these two new opportunities have played a part, because as small, scared and insignificant as I feel, I at least feel like I am doing something and a part of something that is impacting the world. I am hoping and praying that I am really, truly, finally, brinking on the breakthrough.

Randomness

2007-01-16T00:03:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me today, actually while listening to a song this morning, that I can walk away from God, but He never walks away from me, which means that He is still there, even when I am choosing to not acknowledge Him. I guess this is part of the free-will He has given us, but I think that is the wrong use of it.

Also reminded today of how God was faithful to me last year. We had to share with someone, and at first I panicked, and was trying to figure out how to escape the situation, because I thought “God was not faithful to me last year:” Then I realized HE WAS!!!! So opportunity 653 for God to prove Himself to me, you would think that I would have learned by now, but obviously have not. Does He ever get tired of it? Why do I need it so much. A lesson that has not yet been learned is finding God in the midst of the storm, that is when I always want to run away, maybe that is what I am suppose to be learning right now.

Hooray for 24 and Jack, I love the show, and am so glad that it is back on, but I can’t believe that I have to wait another week to see what happens. Add that to my list of addictions, the internet, My Space, blogging, sudoku, music, and 24!!!!!!!!

So I am in the process of cleaning and organizing my life, first because I actually have time, second it needs to be done, third I can’t change the world if I can’t clean my room, and fourth I need to be organized to take on these two new projects. I know I “talk” about it a lot, but it is a lot of work for me, I hope to get to a place where it is no longer a task that takes discipline, but something that happens naturally.

Tough Day........Progress Made

2007-01-13T00:28:00.000-08:00

I did not have to work today, and I did not have anything to do on the base, but I did need to make a few decisions about some things. I really did want to pray about them, and sometimes, well most times, making decisions is hard for me. These were not life shattering decisions, and really should not have been hard, but WOW, what a process it was. I spent most of the day in tears, crying uncontrollably actually. Don’t make fun, but a lot of this surrounds my car. It has been broken for a few weeks now, which has been weighing on my mind, and stressing me out the whole time. Finally earlier this week I was able to get someone to help me tow my car to the shop, and they were able to get it starting again. So I went and picked it up and brought in home. I was happy to have my car back, but while driving it around the base , I realized that I do not think that it is completely fixed and so I don’t trust driving it around. Now I have been stranded 4 different times since Thanksgiving with my little car breaking down. I have only had it a few months, so I guess I have good reason to not fully trust it. To be honest I get sick to my stomach when I even think about having to drive it. Now back in the beginning when I was blessed with the money to get a car, I prayed a lot because I do not know a lot about cars. Well I really felt like God was in this and this was the car for me, so I went through with the purchase. The car has been nothing but problems, and has lead me to questioning if I ever really heard God in the whole process. Now add that to a whole line of disappointments and when I have “heard God wrong” and I am not sure what is right anymore. I am hurt, disappointed, and angry. Now I am suppose to make decisions about opportunities in the next few months, and suddenly my whole life is falling apart. I was hopeless and full of doubt, in the middle of it a friend calls, and tells me how amazing God is and how He provided for him, I think to myself, I am happy for you, but that never happens to me. Finally I pull myself together, so that I can go talk to someone about one of these opportunities. Unable to locate them, I wonder around, pretending everything is okay, just don’t make eye contact with anyone, and don’t talk to anyone and everything will be fine. Plan failed. A friend asks about my car, because they care, I tell them I am getting rid of it because it is too much worry and stress for me. Then the tears come back, and I go back into hiding. Another friend innocently comes looking for finger nail polish remover, and finds me with bloodshot eyes, and a runny nose, obviously not okay, but trying to fake it. She asks if I want to talk, I tell her “NO”, but then I break, and it all comes out. She brings me words of encouragement, she tells me that she knows I can’t see through it right now, but God has big things for me, and I need to keep fighting for them. I don’t want to fight anymore, I am tired. I am hopeless and ready to give up. I feel like the dreams are unachievable and that I just don’t care anymore. She tells me not give up, to push through it. So after another hour of tears, prayers and pain, these are the end results. I tell God that I really want to trust Him, I wish that I could just erase all the past hurts and disappointments, that I could just snap my fingers and trust Him, but trust has to be built over time, and that I could just follow Him with uninhibited abandonment. Then I tell God that I am going to give Him one more chance to prove Himself to me. Not that God should have to prove Himself, but I need something tangible that He is real right now. I feel like the last 8 months of my life I have made a series of bad choices and wrong decisions, thinking that God was in it all the time. So here I go with uninhibited abandonment, I have decided to get rid of my car, it has been nothing but a headache. It will be hard to get the money together to get a new one, and find rides to work all the time, but I know that He has plan in all of this and that He will take care of me, at least that is the hope. I have also decided to staff the Wilderness First Responder that will be offered here at the end of March. I took this course two years ago, my certification is expiring, so it will be a good opportunity to refresh my skills. Also I was asked by the assistant to the North American Director of YWAM if I would help her with the large leadership conference that is coming up in April. I have accepted the offer, so I will be in charge of registration for the conference. I am excited about both of these projects, and I am going in to them, with uninhibited abandonment to trust God. Even if they are the “wrong” thing I am going to do them with all my heart, and hope that God shows up some how, some where, because I really can’t do these things on my own. Trusting in God to take care of me from this point forward, I am tired, so much crying really takes it out of me, and I have to work tomorrow, so I am going to bed now. Good nite.

Hitting a God Wall

2007-01-10T20:23:00.000-08:00

It happened the other day, I rolled out of bed, rushed around to get ready, and ran out the door, late again for Monday morning worship. The weekend was pretty good, busy, yet fun. Rushing in the morning I often forget God. So there I am standing in a room full of people, feeling crowded, over run by people, like there is no place to hide. The music is playing I am singing along to all the songs, then suddenly, I am not sure what song it was, but the words were powerful, and I felt like I hit a wall, a wall made up entirely of God. No it did not hurt, but I was, and am, broken. I found myself literally on my knees, crying, and could see the shattered pieces of me all around. They were not to be picked up and put back together, they were to be left, and walked away from. I sensed it coming but was unable to stir anything up, and then BAM I just ran into it. Anyways I poured my heart out to Him once again, in a very real way, and continued to worship, til it was over. Now the rest of the day, I really had a lot of things to do, and wanted to accomplish them all, but it was a lot squeezing stuff in, and running here and there. I have to say that things really just began to fall into place. I was able to have a conversation about an up and coming opportunity, (which I will share more on later), and I found someone to tow my favorite broken car to the shop, so some “experts” can tell me what is really wrong with it. So anyway it was a good day. I don’t really feel different on the inside, and the only thing that is different on the outside is the new zits that have added themselves to the collection on my forehead. I realize that I have been blogging my brains out lately, but it helps me to process, and I don’t actually know more than like 1.8 people who actual read this, and they usually already know what is up anyway, but it is comforting to me, there is security in not having to face someone in person, which is why I choose this method. I have felt that I really don’t have anywhere to be alone, to escape too, it is making me antys, and unsettled. I realized tonite how one seemingly innocent choice I made, resulted in throwing me far off the path that God intended for me. It has taken me months to even begin the recovery process, but it has begun now. Now I need to do everything in my power to make sure that I do not walk down this slippery slop again. I there will be situations and circumstances that could allow it to easily happen again, but I am not the look out for it this time. It also could have been some of the circumstances that caused me to run to familiar grounds, or was that driving me to other things, who knows, but once the cycle gets started it is hard to stop, but it has been stopped now. I am again entering a season of transition, but it is for the good, more on that later, good nite.

Can't sleep

2007-01-08T00:40:00.000-08:00

I can’t sleep, I wish I could, because I have to get up early and it will be a busy day. So many things running through my head right now. I can sense a new season coming, though it is not here yet, but I feel the freshness in the air. I need a new season, I need the freshness. Life has been suffocating and choking me, it is time for air, for newness. I am wondering if my heart will continue on this string like a yo-yo for all to play with? Up and down, close and far, people can’t make up their minds, I can’t make up my mind, maybe it is really just me, and others have nothing to do with it. I wonder about my car, I have to get it taken care of, so I am going to spend the money to make sure that happens, people have kept me waiting, and I just can’t wait anymore, action needs to be taken, no more slacking. Nobody will help me, so I will take care of it myself, and those who have been giving me rides, are seeming to be tired of the situation, after all I am an adult, so I should be able to take care of myself, right? I think about my attitude, this is a big one, I never have anything good to say, which means that I should keep my mouth shut, but I don’t. I think I am dragging down those around me. What kind of affect am I having on this community? What kind of affect will I have on the new students? I desire to change, but sometimes think that I am unable to live up to other peoples standards, right now I am too tired to care or to try. I am sick of my face being broken out all over the place. Some addictions have been starved today, others have been over-fed, I am trying to do my best. There is light coming, things are changing, I just have to make it through the transition, and I will make it, I am a fighter. Whatever character God is trying to develop, I hope that He is getting His way, this is painful and no fun, and all I can do is hang on and preserver through it. To be honest I am not sure how I got this far. I won’t give up my dreams for other things like a husband and kids, so why would I give them up over this? Truth be told, I can’t walk away, I don’t have anywhere to go. I am looking forward to this week, I get to meet all the new students, I will be training people to take over a couple of the positions that I have been holding, and I am going to have a conversation about a new opportunity, I am really interested in it, but I am not completely sure how it will work out in this season of my life, but I am trusting God with all of it. Well I think that I will try to go to bed and sleep and now. Good nite.

Not giving up and tears

2007-01-03T01:16:00.000-08:00

I cried today, it is the first time in awhile, but it means that the emotion is returnig, which is good, because me without emotion is really very scary, more scary than me with emotion, don't cringe at the thought, please. So I have been talking to people about my stuff, my situation, my life, all the scary things I think about, feel, what to act on, but know that I can't. The recurring message is "don't give up, and I won't let you" I am so lucky to have these kinds of people in my life, they love, encourage, support, and fight for me, even when I have nothing left in me to do for myself. The other day while trying to pray, I saw a picture of a bunch of people, my friends that were surrounding me, they were standing really close to me, too close, so I was trying to fight them off, when I relaxed, I realized they were keeping me on the path to God, pointing me in the direction of Him, they were trying to help me, I just needed to relax, let them close to me, and walk in the right direction. So now this is what I will try to do, let people in, let them help me, and walk towards God. It is hard, it is painful, but I am not giving up, I am a fighter and have been my whole life, why would I give up now, why would I give up when others won't give up on me??!?!?!?!? So yeah, there seems to be some light coming in this dark season, some air is leaking into the circumstances that suffocate.

Familiar

2007-01-02T00:20:00.000-08:00

A familar road to some familar faces. It was a nice drive, nice conversation, good coffee, amazing people. Then off to get another friend to bring them home. Everyone is home now, that is nice, it comforting to have a full house again. Today marks the end of the holiday break, it was needed, but I am ready for change, I am looking forward to some sort of normalicy again. Maybe I am just ready to be have more stuff to do to keep me busy, so that my mind can't wander off to the deep places inside, bringing out crap, that should never be allowed to surface. I enjoy having people around, and people have returned, my soul feels comforted by that thought alone. Well I should probably go to bed, I am not able to sleep until noon anymore, there is work to be done. Good nite.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T02:36:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Everyone!!! I hope that 2007 comes with more excitement and expectation than 2006, I know I am looking forward to a better year. One that will lead me to be debt free, and on the path to knowing God more, and fulfilling the dreams that He has put in my heart!! For sure you will be hearing about how it all unfolds, so stay tuned!!!!

She’s alive or resurrected

2006-12-30T02:25:00.000-08:00

The days are getting noticeably longer, if you are paying attention. I like the light. The stress of the last few months has worn on me. Its like erosion, rushing streams erode away at river banks, sometimes causing houses and other things to fall into them. My heart, my emotions, my body, my faith, it has been eroding away. This has been a tough year, the more I try to make sense of it, the less it makes sense, just when I think things are looking up, everything comes crashing down again. I am questioning everything, my life, my call, my religion, what I am doing. I am a missionary, and have been for 5.5 years now, but I am also a human begin, I am not perfect, I mess up. Some people try to evaluate me to something special and higher, but I have struggles just like everyone else, sometimes they seem more intense, because I feel I have something to prove or live up too, and sometimes those things are just too much for me. I guess I am not so much questioning my call, the dream is still the same, a unique combination of healthcare and photojournalism, as a way to affect social injustice issues around the world, and using the arts to raise awareness, but I am frustrated by not knowing where to start and how to get there and acquire the training, no time to figure it out. Getting out of debt is the first step, and the one that I am working on now, but I feel like it is such a distraction. So I work two jobs, and still, it is not enough, money that is, or time. I seem to have taken my eyes off of God in this process. Now that I am not constantly in a loving, caring, supportive Christian environment, I see a lot more flaws in myself. At first I saw this as an opportunity to show Gods love, as my sort of mission field. Now I feel like I have been a poor example of God. One of my deepest fears appears to be true, the old Jen, the girl I thought was nailed to the cross, is not. I am driven by my environment, when it was all loving, caring, supportive, I thrived, and I stayed on “the right track”. I always feared that if I left this environment, that old habits would return, and old comforts would resurface, and now that I am exposed to “the real world”, I find these things are resurfacing. The old girl is not dead, maybe she was and has been resurrected, or maybe she has just been repressed and in hiding? I find myself wondering if I have been faking it this whole time, or if it is just the circumstances of life eroding at my soul? So many things to think about, to consider. While I am busy, I could make time to think, but I am really good at finding things to distract myself from these things. I know it has to be done, there is a part of me that does not want to admit all that has already been said, a part that does not want to kill the old Jen again, but I know that something has to change. The girl must DIE, and for good this time, for real, not just hiding in the shadows, lurking around for a moment of weakness to come out and play, she has to go. I need help, but have been afraid of asking for it. I want to deal with it all on my own, but at the same time, I wish that someone would come along and just fix everything for me so that I would not have to deal with it anymore, but I have created my own personal hell, and now I have to get out of it. Ultimately I want God, I want to follow Him, and I want to walk His path, and live the dreams He has put in my heart, but I don’t know how to stop the erosion, or repair the damage that has been done. Talking to people will help, I need the accountability, but there has to be actions as well.

Ryan, THANK YOU, thank you for being there when I needed a friend, thanks for your listening ear, for not judging me, and for your words of encouragement and advice. It was just what I needed and at the right time, you are amazing. Juls thank you, tonight was great and also just what I needed, a bit of time to relax and unwind, and you play a mad game of pool, thanks for kicking my butt. KP, I love you, thank you for the post card, the phone calls, and everything that you are, I can not wait for you to come home, we really need to hang out.

Christmas Day

2006-12-25T10:13:00.000-08:00

The highly over rated, excuss to spend more money than you have has finally arrived. I don't really have much to say, other than most of my "festivies" are over now, one more apperance to make with the whole family, then I am free just to hang out with my friends, (which I have not seen enough of latly). This time of year does get me thinking though. I realized that this has been a tough year, and with a new one coming, it is time for things to change. What is it about a new year, that makes us think that we can spend one night partying, wake up the next day, and start a new, a fresh, make changes in our lives. Lots of people make "new years resolutions", and within weeks, we are back to where we started, feeling like a failure now. This is why I do not make "New Years Resolutions". I know that things have to change in my life, and I am kinda wishing that I could wake up in a week, and know that things will be different and that it "just happened", but I will have to put in the hard work, effort, blood, sweat and tears, to make the changes happen in my life. Anyways just what I have been thinking about this morning. I am looking forward to returning back to the safety of home, just one more day.

A shout out

2006-12-20T00:50:00.000-08:00

First I want to acknowledge my friends. It seems that many are having a tough couple of weeks. To Brandon (a guy I work with) his 6 year old nephew died tonight during an operation, that really puts things into perspective for me; to Candyce, you rock, we have had similar occurrences this last week, it has been tough, but you will make it through, and you will be an amazing DTS staff, I love you; Brad I am so sorry for how things went down, we did not have near enough random conversations in random places man, hold on to Him, He has a plan; Mindy I love you, you are amazing, hold on and fight through this, you are stronger than you think!!!

So I was given a devotional book for Christmas (thanks Melissa), and I have actually been using it. Now maybe I am ripping myself off by using a devotional, but it is a place for me to start, and it has really been hammering me. The last three days that I have read have been about STRESS! I have been so busy and stressed out, and things just keep happening to add to the already tense situations. My back, neck, and shoulders hurt from the tension due to the stress, I need a massage. So these devotionals have been speaking to me, if I am too busy to start my day with God then I need to set boundaries so that I have time for Him. God does not intend for His children to live busy and stressed out lives, which means that somethings have to go. God does not drive His children, He leads them and this starts by spending time with Him. So I find myself wondering what is it that I can give up. I thought that most of what is consuming my time was lead by God, but I am tired and drained, so much so that everything feels like a burden and tough, my patiences, especially with people is thin, too thin. I don't like what all of this is turning me into. I should not feel so drained, and my patiences should not be short. So now that I will be having some more free time for a couple of weeks (maybe the only good thing that comes from Christmas), I have decided that I will take some time to evaluate my life, what I am doing and if this is the right path that I am suppose to be on. I knew this path would not be an easy one, but I did not think it would be like this. So I am sure that things will be changing, change is never easy, but it will be for the good. Now this is not that my life calling will change, but how it is carried out may look different, or maybe it is just my perspective that needs to change, who knows. This is going to take a lot of work, it does not take much time to establish a habit or pattern, but it takes a lot of work to break it. I find that I struggle with this a lot, the pattern is usually set before I ever realize what has happened. I am going to take the time to look at my life, it is a good thing to do at the end of every year and beginning of a new one anyways, and then I will work hard at following and creating healthy lifestyle patterns, that include starting my day off with God(from more than a devotional) and with less tasks and stress. So stay tuned for what that will bring!

Always sumpthin'

2006-12-17T21:29:00.000-08:00

I am writing this from one of my favorite coffee shops, while using a friends computer. This is one of the first times I have had to really relax. So life has been a little crazy, okay a lot crazy. Last week, well it was two weeks ago now, between both of my jobs I worked at least 15 hours everyday, for 6 days straight. My job at the club, demanded the majority of my time, working a 17 hour day, an 18 hour day, and a 15 hour day (yes all in a row). Then I got sick on top of it all, probably from a lack of sleep. This week was slower. Now I am going to be honest, the pay check was nice, but the work was hard, and stressful. I am not big on Christmas, and beings that these were all nice Christmas parties for people, I found it even more difficult to keep smiling. I wonder why I do not like Christmas, well I don't really like holidays in general, but Christmas is so in my face, and for so long, and so many people actually like it, that they look at me like I am abnormal for not liking Christmas. Anyways I don't know if that will ever change.

This last week was slower, but had its own set of stuff. We had a big wind storm, with a fair amount of damage. Lots of down tress which took power lines out with them when they fell. So at 6pm on Thursday the power went out. Now I am used to this and can cope, but it was two days before it came back on, and it was cold. Fortunately there were places, like work (job number 2), that still had power. But I spent a couple nites in a very cold, very dark house all by myself. Finally last nite the lights came back on. Now this is not such a big deal, but interrupts life's little convinces and comforts like heat and coffee, the internet, radio and tv!!!! Starbucks is close and was used a lot, I have to be honest.

So I woke up this morning warm and ready for my hot shower, yeah! I decided to go to church, I actually wanted to go to church, so it was not that hard. While at church I thought what am I doing here, my heart is not really in this. The message was good though, something that has been on my heart for years, how God cares about social injustice, and how it affects poverty around the world, and where there is poverty there disease and sickness running rampant. So after church, since it is on the other side of town, decided to take advantage of my location and do a little shopping. After a couple stops, I left the store, got in my car, and it would not start!!! What, everything was just working, and fine I thought. I just had the brakes fixed yesterday. Luckily I now have a cell phone so I was not completely stranded. So I made a couple of calls, then it just started back up again. Good I thought, so I will just go home and have someone look at it. Well a couple miles up the road, it just died again, in the middle of traffic. I happened to be by the mall, so traffic was horrible, but some nice guy came and helped me push it out of the way, into a parking lot. So more phone calls but everyone is gone, or busy. Then I ran into a friend who stood in cold looking at it for me, but couldn't really do anything. So I called a tow truck and rode home with my car sadly following behind us. Then I remembered that I was suppose to be doing dinner prep (for the students), and I was late, but it all worked out, and it was not so bad. The weird part is, I am indifferent about all these experiences. Normally there is an emotion or feeling attached to everything, but not these last couple of weeks, just indifference. That is unsettling to me. I guess that indifference is an emotion or feeling, but it is a scary one to me. Well you probably stopped reading this a long time ago, you don't really want to hear about all my happenings in life. It is time to go, the coffee house is closing now, and I have run out of things to say. What to do with a car I just got, and has been nothing but problems to me, fix it or can it, advice anyone??!?!?!?!?!?!

Fun in the Sun

2006-12-06T01:33:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I made the 18 hour drive to Carlsbad California for my friends wedding. It was a very short weekend, but well worth it. It was really fun, I got to hang out on the beach, soaked up some sun, and the wedding was incredible. Here are a few pics that I took while enjoying myself, the sun and friends.

Little Racer

2006-12-04T00:07:00.000-08:00

My little racer, (that is what I call my car), she is back in business. After a week of sitting in the cold, and getting snowed on, she finally got fixed. The master slave of the clutch (something with the hydraulics) went out. I have to say while it was a bit of an inconvenience to be without a car, especially when I was walking to work in the pouring down rain on Thanksgiving, I can see God's hands all over the situation. I ended up getting her towed twice, both without having to pay, and when I finally got it to a shop I got a discount and it did not cost me as much as I had thought it might, Praise God, and here is the kicker, I actually had the money to pay for it. God is good in the midst of our little daily inconveniences.

Just thought I would give a little update on my car and introduce her to the world!!!

Is Obedience enough?

2006-11-30T22:14:00.000-08:00

Is obedience enough?

Am I fulfilled and satisfied knowing that I am walking in obedience to God?

In this have it your way right away now culture, of Big Macs, drive-thurs, cell phones, high speed internet giving access to the world in a matter of seconds, we are used to immediate results. Demanding that things be done now and the way that I want, and if it does not happen that way, then there is hell to pay. Am I so wrapped up in seeing and feeling God move, that I miss the power of my simple obedience? Am I willing to walk through the process, to take the time to let Him work in me? Do the great heroes of faith, those in the bible, those who have lived and died because of their obedience, and those who have given up everything today, to be obedient to God, do they feel like great men and women of faith? Do they understand the magnitude of what they are doing, how their struggles and obedience are bringing change to the world, that their stories encourage and inspire others?

I don’t feel strong right now, I don’t feel like I have anything together. Some people say that I do, but I don’t think so. I know that I am walking in obedience to God, I didn’t think I was seeing results, but as it turns out I am. But even if those threads of results weren’t there, would knowing that I am being obedient to God be enough to keep me moving? Sometimes I don’t think so, sometimes I think I am living for the results, and when they are not there, I get discouraged.

In my non—Christian work environment I know they see something different in me, something that brings out the softer side of them, something that makes them stop and think about things, and wonder what is different about me. But a lot of the time I feel just like them, a real person trying to get through a hurting harsh world protecting myself as much as possible and coping with things however I can. In my Christian work environment I feel like I am failing, that I am disappointing, and letting everyone down. Sometimes I feel that it is taking life, rather than giving it.

Is my simple obedience enough?

I would like to think so, but right now I do not know for sure, but I know that I will keep walking in obedience and face everyday as it comes. Could my story be one that is touching lives without me ever being aware? I hope so, I want to make a difference in the world, not to be recognized, or to earn my place in heaven, but because there have been people that have taken the time to make a difference in my life, and they probably don’t know it. How much power, how much change can occur just simply by how I live my life everyday. I think this is the key, it is not so much about masses of people coming forward at an alter call, as it is about the individual lives that are touched and impacted, simply by the way that I choose to live my life today. That is huge, are you up for the challenge?

Is my obedience enough???

Thankful Slithering Snake Falling off a Cliff

2006-11-24T00:15:00.000-08:00

So it is Thanksgiving, and I worked on Thanksgiving for the first time in my 25 years of existence. It was a bit weird. My day got off to a rough start. My car broke on the way to work, so I ended up being 15 minutes late, after walking the rest of the way in the cold pouring down rain. So by the time I got there I was soaking wet, I was suppose to be looking my best, and my best efforts were all washed away. Then the tough girl (me) cried. The day that I am suppose to be at my best, happy, smiling, thankful, and shinning, some rain and a hunk of metal seemed to ruin my day. After a few minutes I pulled myself together and put on my happy face. Work was not bad, I actually think that things went really well, it was busy, but things went really smoothly, in my opinion, others might disagree with me. I wanted to be tough, to be strong, I am feeling very humbled through this experience in my life. It did not really feel like Thanksgiving to me, yet I was aware that it was. I thought I have to find something to be thankful for, even though I did not really feel like being thankful. Now I know this is going to sound cliché but it is honest and true. I am thankful that I am a live, I have lots of people who care about me, and while it may feel like I have nothing (according to the standards of this culture) I still have more than most of the world. I have a dream that I am pursuing whole heartedly, and I have eternal life. I am sure that there is way more stuff to be thankful for but those were the first ones that popped into my head.

I feel like I am on either on the edge of a breakthrough in my life, or getting ready to fall a cliff, which might actually be the breakthrough. It causes me to be uncomfortable. I have seen myself as a bad person, someone whom God would not want to love (at least in my eyes). I have been trying to “come back to Him”, when I see myself approaching Him, I see myself like a snake, slithering on its belly, except that the closer I get, I become more aware of my “ugliness”. Then I am aware that I cannot approach God, so I turn and go back. I am afraid of God, His love, His intimacy, which are things that interestingly enough I desperately long for. So back and forth I slither, closer, away, closer, away, closer again, away again, back and forth it seems never ending. I have to come to God in full confidence, knowing that He loves me, no matter what. Nothing, NOTHING, there is nothing that can take away the love that God has for me. Struggle 2: I know these things in my head, but not in my heart. I used to know them in my heart, don’t know when, where, or how they disappeared, but they are not there anymore. Its funny or interesting (you decide) that I can see Him working and moving in my life, but I do not feel Him. Now I know that sometimes feelings lie, they are not always a reality, but I am also seeing where it sometimes it just has to be a conscience choice. This last week, I began making the choice in my head (with my mind and mouth) despite how I felt or what my circumstances dictated to me, I am choosing God. Wouldn’t ya know that things, my circumstances seemed to have gotten worse, now doesn’t that make total sense????

The moral of the story (there really isn’t one): Even when you don’t see it or feel like it, find something to be thankful for, I am not a snake ( and neither are you), approach God with full confidence, knowing that I am loved and nothing can stop that, NOTHING! Feelings lie, sometimes it has to be a choice that is made.

Not worth blogging over

2006-11-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

I miss summer. I miss wearing my tank tops and flip flops (which is pretty much all that I own). I miss the warmth of the sun beating down on my pale, pasty, white skin, turning it to a nice golden brown tan. I miss hanging out with friends until the wee hours of the morning, watching movies, doing random, crazy, spontaneous things. There is something about the summer that brings out the young, wild and crazy side of people. I miss climbing trees, the hum of the zip line, the screams from the groups on the ropes course, and the kids running wild. I miss the tons of different people who just pass through. I miss the sun coming in my window beckoning me to get out of bed and do something. I miss the calm gentle trickle of the creek, where the kids can catch crawdads. I miss looking at the stars, star spinning and shooting stars, those are my favorite. The sky has always been amazing to me, it speaks to me about who God is, and shooting stars are like kisses from God to me.

Now my bed is warmer than my room making me want to stay in it as long as possible, only to be meet by the blast of cold air that hangs in the room when I finally do get up. It is hard to see the stars through all the clouds, but when there are glimpses, the cold biting at my fingers, toes, and nose make me not want to stay long. The rain makes me not want to go out at all. The creek is swollen and raging, reminding me how quickly everything can change, and of its power. As the cold sets in, my sense of adventure goes into hibernation, the spontaneous-ness, goes to sleep.

There is something intriguing about a good storm though. The kind when the wind blows, and it rains hard for hours. We have had a few of these recently, now the trees that were once a live with color, creating a beauty that can not be captured nor described, are desolate and naked, they too have gotten ready for winter. The thing about these storms is that make me want to cuddle up to talk with a friend, watch a movie, or read a book by the fireplace (which I do not have), which makes the reality of the cold and the rain less appealing. None the less, fall is here, making room for winter, whether I like it or not.

Random thought: Today I took my stuff out of storage. It has been there for almost one year, that’s how long its been since I packed up and moved to Kona, for a while, but I have been back since June. I guess that it is official that I have decided to stay here a while, so I guess it’s a good time to settle in completely and make home. Usually when I do this it does not last very long, which is okay with me, because I am ready to go somewhere again, it helps to get perspective to get out of my comfort zone.

Passion Ignites Passion

2006-11-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

I have discovered when you are around those that are full of passion it is contagious. It does not matter if you share the same passion, but their passion inspires passion in you. I think that as a whole, in the environment that I work in, we are lacking passion. There is so much to do, so much that has to be done that we quickly lose our focus, and the passion that drives us. The apathy, the indifference, the task quickly takes over, and before we know it, we are all living under the indifference and apathy, and there is nobody with passion to inspire passion in others. It was an outside source that came in and made me realize that it is passion that I lack. So my prayer is that passion would return to my life, and to this place, that we would be a people, a community that is not bogged down and tired from the tasks, but one that is living out of passion. May it start with me, in my life, God bring the passion back.

“Live a life worthy of the calling”

A life worthy of the calling, I think is one that is lived in a passionate way. What does this look like? I think it means that you stop and take time. I know that in a previous blog, I wrote about how I was feeling taken advantage of for being so nice to people and always helping them out, and not feeling like I get anything in return. Well it has occurred to me that Jesus was probably taken advantage of. He is always bailing people out and for nothing in return. I mean He is always getting me out of bad situations that I put myself in, only to usually make the same mistake again, and He bails me out again. If I am living a life worthy of the calling, I am to be living like Jesus, which means that I am to help people out, to bail them out. It means a hug for a friend who is having a bad day, a listening ear for someone who feels alone, giving a helping hand to someone who has too much to do. It means giving up my agenda, my plans, perhaps being late, to take the extra few minutes to help someone out. It means loving on people no matter what the cost is, and taking the risk of getting hurt.

I am human, I make mistakes everyday of my life, and there is always forgiveness waiting for me. Now I am not saying that it is okay to go out and do whatever you want, knowing that forgiveness waits for you at the end of the day. I am saying that we are all human and that we all sin everyday. Sin is sin, one is not better or worse in the eyes of God. Recently a well-known Christian man was caught in some sin, and now everyone is freaking out. His sin is no different than mine or yours. It seems different because of his position of influence, we thought or hoped that he had more integrity. The truth is he is human, and God still loves him. God not only loves him, but He likes him, he wants to hang out with him, to spend time with him. Much like you look for time to spend with people that your friends with. People will let you down, because none of us are perfect, we are all human. But it should be our response to love, not to judge. We should still be willing to bend over back wards for these people, because I know that is what Jesus would do, that is living a life worthy of the calling.

Keeps Coming Back

2006-10-31T23:50:00.000-08:00

There are a few things that keep coming back. This happens to me from time to time. It seems that no matter where I am and who is talking the message is the same. I wonder if I am just hearing the same thing, I mean are all those people really saying the same thing, or is it just me receiving the same message.

The current repeated message: to hold on to the dreams that God has given me. He will bring life to them, He wants to see them happen. If you know anything about God, you know that He never ceases to surprise and amaze. This is a tough season for me. I feel like I am off track in getting to the dreams that Gods has put in my heart, to living them out, and on some level they have died, but I know that I am walking in obedience to Him, I can not deny that.

At church they have been talking about when God gives a promise, and almost immediately it will be tested. Circumstances will begin to show you the exact opposite of that promise. I can say that I feel like I am in this place. But that is where faith has to come in. I have to trust and believe, stand in faith, knowing the promises of God will come to pass, in His way and His time.

Tonight there was a meeting that I attended. The message was the same, allow God to breath life into those dreams again. Be willing to fight, to take a stand, to wait, to trust, to take a risk for those dreams. The Question: How willing am I?

The amazing thing is as I am in this season of my life, I am meeting others who share the same vision, have similar passion as me. There are opportunities to work together, to encourage one another. Truth be told I don’t know if these are my opportunities to grab a hold of, but I know that I can support and encourage my friends with similar passions. The cool thing is, this meeting, it was very similar to what I have dreampt up. So I can see where God is breathing life into these dreams. They are not dead. Just because they are not before me currently, or I am not seemingly walking in them now, does not mean that there is not life in these dreams. They are not dead. There is life in them, God still cares about them. He wants them to come to life, more than I do.

Amazing Awe

2006-10-27T00:33:00.000-07:00

I have made bad choices and now I am paying the price. I have said before that the price is high. This has been an area of real testing for me. This last week or so I find myself doing things with the wrong motivation. I tell myself to do things because I need the money. Money seems to be such a distraction. I got myself into this situation, and it will take me and God to get out of it. But once I started working I began to put my trust in the amount of hours that I work, instead of God. Sometimes I feel stuck because I am not currently living out the very things that God is calling me too. I so badly want to move forward with them, and I know that getting my finances in order is the first step but sometimes it feels like taking a detour. This week however relief has come. First I had an opportunity to work on our Ropes Course, loving and encouraging kids, while having fun with them. There were several girls that were shy, and not really wanting to participate in the activities, but I was able to draw them in, and watch them overcome some of their fears. Several things occurred to me during this time, one was how much I have changed. Just a year and half ago I would have done my duties and quietly watched as others spoke, but I had so much fun talking to and encouraging them. When I was asked to lead a game, I did not hesitate, I stepped up to the plate and took the lead. That would have never happened before. Also I became aware of how God is giving me opportunities to make an impact right now, where I am at. I was alive while I was working on the Ropes Course.

Then another blessing came, one that could only be from God. I stood speechless as I opened the envelope and saw what was inside. I was in shock and awe. I had to have another person confirm what I was seeing, I really thought my eyes were deceiving me . It was God letting me know that I am on the right track, that He has seen my efforts, and heard my feeble prayers. I am so encouraged. I stand amazed at the goodness of God.

Discipline.....a dirty word

2006-10-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

I find myself being pressed on all sides to be more disciplined. Disciplined in how I use my time, how I spend my money, my relationships, my work ethic. I have to be honest that it is hard to be disciplined, and I don't really like the fact that there are so many things that I have to work at right now. Discipline often means choosing to do the hard thing, which is never the road that I want to choose. But it is a good process, I am learning so much. God is walking with me every step of the way. I am finding that the more I practice at being disciplined, the easier it gets, and there seems to be more of a freedom that comes. That seems like an oxymoron to me. Discipline to me, in my mind, the first thing that I think of is rules, laws, legalism, these things don't in my mind, lead to freedom. But as I have been walking the path of practicing discipline, I am finding freedom. That is exactly what the bible means, when it says that all things are permissible, but not all are wise, or good. As I grow, and become more of who God wants me to be, there is less legalism, and more freedom, and the things that used to be appealing, are not appealing anymore. The key was allowing my heart to be changed first, and that lead to my actions changing.

Something that I have been thinking about and observing is how in the name of Christianity or religion so many have been hurt. We come at people telling them that Jesus is the only way, we thump them on the head with our bibles, we want them to conform to the image that we have created of what a Christian is, how they act, what they wear, even in the words they speak. In essence we strip them of who they are, we expect them to change overnight, to become a different person, then God will accept them and forgive them. This is so backwards, God already accepts them and loves them as they currently are, right now, and does not expect that they change for Him. But as they walk with Him, grow in relationship with Him, changes will naturally happen. He is about the process of our lives. If we are to be like Jesus, maybe we should start loving people where they are, accepting them in their current situations, the way they talk, the clothes they wear, piercings, tattoos, addictions, pain and sorrow that they live in. Meet them where they are, that is what Jesus would do. That is what He did for me, what He did for you, so why is it so hard for us to this for other people. We want to first judge them, and tell them all the things they are doing wrong, and when they stop those things then, introduce them to Jesus. Our lives should introduce them to Jesus, by loving them, despite everything that we see. God help me to see with Your eyes, and not my human, judging eyes. I want my life to be a reflection of Yours.

Leaders -- A Target

2006-10-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I volunteered to help out the campus administrator, because she has a big job and I felt that this was something that I could do. I quickly was asked to take over the housekeeping department, and I said yes. Then I realized that meant that I was in a role of leadership, which is never a place that I like to be. So it has gotten me to thinking about leadership.

I used to never want anything to do with anything that involved leading, now I seem to be falling into it. Someone who is looking for leadership is probably crazy, my first thought.

Also I have been working in a nice loving Christian environment for 4.5 years now, but now am also working out in "the Real World" too. I am seeing lots of differences in how things are done. When pressure is put on my manager, then she puts tons of pressure on her staff to perform at a higher standard. I am not used to things being done this way.

So back to the being in charge of housekeeping. Some problems have occurred in this department. I got frustrated and did not know what to do. I wanted to set rules and be hard on the people working for me. Then someone helped me to talk to them in love, and the results were amazing, things worked out, and we were able to work through stuff. It was my humanness that I was responding from, but when I got on the right track and saw them as Jesus does I was able to handle things the way Jesus would.

But I can see where being a leader puts you in a place that people will blame you for things because you are all that they see. So I am trying to apply the same principals to those who are leaders over me.

Just some thoughts.

Daily Randomness

2006-10-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

Where to begin…I live and work in this crazy environment, one where people are always coming and going. I love it and hate it…I am relational to the core of my being, so I love to meet new people, but there will come a time when good-byes will be said. Recently there has been a lot of comings and goings with friends. The internet is a wonderful way to keep in touch with the friends that I have made and now reside all over the world, and for this I am grateful. Today my roommate (the best one I have ever had) left to get married, so we will probably never share a room together again. But I have also heard from several others that I have not kept up with for a while. See when living this crazy life, we are apt to have a large list of people that we send e-mail updates too, (never as often as we should, yet we try) and I was blessed to get some of these updates from old friends today. It hit me that I need to try harder to maintain some of these relationships, beyond the normal, reading the update, responding if there is time, or just simply responding with my own update. Thanks to technology, there are all kinds of ways to stay in touch, we have moved beyond posted mail and e-mail to My Space and blogs. I have to say that I like it because I can stay informed but all form the safety of an office, so it is on my terms (we like convince in this day and age). Not sure what my point is to all of this, other than I want to make more of an effort to keep up with more people.

Point Two: As I read through my friends different blogs and My Space pages they all seem to have fun titles, names and nick names for themselves, (I am sure that there is a story behind them). But I found myself wondering why I am just Jen Morgan, sometimes I throw in the year that I was born, if it won’t accept just my name. I started to try to think up a new cool name, Then I realized that Jen Morgan, is me. I am me, simply me, take me as I am, or don’t take me at all. You get what you see with me, and that is why people love me (I think). So I am content to stay a simple Jen Morgan, besides the simplicity helps people to find me, and the consistency is good too, and one day I will grow up and not have to change my titles, because suddenly I have become too old, for them. Which leads me to

Point Three: Do you really look at people? I mean really see them, notice little things about how they look, move, talk? I have noticed that in all my busyness I am passing people by. Because I am relational to the core of my being, I want to notice people more to take time to really hear them and know them. Each person holds value, and sometimes it is easier to get caught up in their stuff, and not look past their junk to see their value. They are a created human being just like me and you, they hold value. So God help me to take time to slow down, to really see people, to see their value, to see past their stuff (we all have stuff in us that is not pretty, myself included), and see them for who you created them to be, and to see the value that you have placed in their life. It is important to come along side people and encourage them. After all I would not be who I am today with out a lot of people who did this for me.

There is more, but I think that for tonight I will leave you with that thought.

Breaking, Surrendering, Becoming

2006-10-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

I slept in yesterday morning, when I finally awoke, I found myself wondering what the point was to getting out of bed, it was a day off after all, and it was cold, and my bed was warm. I rose, made coffee, and got back in bed, to think. As I began to write, some ugly things began to come out of me. Truth was I did not want to spend the day with myself, thinking about my life, I am afraid of myself. So I quickly looked around my very messy room and decided to conquer and clean it. The tactic was to busy myself, so that I would again be distracted from my very own thoughts. So I spent many needed hours cleaning, but then I was still restless. So a friend and I went downtown to sit at a local coffee shop. I find that I don't mind facing myself, at a coffee shop. We kept to ourselves, I wrote, and began reading a book. I realized that I was ready to break, it has been a long time coming. There was a paragraph in this book that really struck me and got me to thinking.

"God loves you just the way you are. If you think His love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you are wrong. If you think his love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are."
Max Lucado "Just Like Jesus"

I wanted to cry but did not. I have confused God's love, with love from people. I long to be loved, so I give tirelessly of myself to others, to be loved. But I have found this leaving me empty because it is not the love that I am longing for. At the same time I feel that I must perform for God to get His love, because that is how I get it from people. Point taken.

Later I was talking to yet another friend, I was trying to put words to all of this. My friend began to encourage me, and I was having a hard time receiving it. Then came the words that hit me hard, and yes finally brought me to tears. He referred to the story of Martha and Mary. Martha was busy, working hard to please everyone, including Jesus who was visiting her home, while Mary was simple sitting enjoying his presence. My friend acknowledged that I do a great job of serving others, that I work really hard, and give endlessly of myself to see others succeed, but he said maybe its time to be a Mary, it is time to relax and let people serve me and love on me. I responded with I don't know how to be loved. Thats right, I don't know how to receive love, whether it be Gods love or love from people. But what I need is to take time to slow down, and enjoy God, and peoples presence, I used to be so good at this, but some how I got off track.

So this morning I asked God to help me be a Mary. I am in an interesting season of life that is demanding more from me than previously, so how can I be a Mary in this season of life? Then out the door to worship. The thing of Martha and Mary came again, and it was a very sweet time of sitting and being with Jesus. Today my heart feels at rest again, the running and striving ceased, there seemed to be less stress and more time for relationships.

I walked away with a smile on my face, saying to God, I give, I get it, I want to be Mary. Three times, three different places, same message, I think, I hope, I get it.

I am broken, I am surrendering, I am becoming more of what God intended me to be. He loves me just the way I am, but He loves me too much to leave me this way.

It is a good place to be. I still have a lot to learn about begin and not confusing Gods love and peoples love, but I know that the process is under way. It is a good process.

I've succumb to the control

2006-10-04T00:53:00.000-07:00

Its the end of yet another long day, or the beginning of a new one, depending on how you look at it. I sit here typing away after a day that has been full of saving other peoples butts. Sometime I just get tired of it. I mean who's ever around to save my butt, when it needs saving, which is pretty often.

I succumb to the control, I allow myself to be won over, and for what? I am left in the cold, standing empty handed. I have given of everything, and yet get nothing in return. That is part of the deal, don't expect anything in return. Now I am left with a decision to make, do I let it go, what has been, has been, let it be, let go and move forward, or do I hold on to the glimmer of hope, until the glimmer is gone. I am so tired of holding on until there is nothing left to hold on too. I fight so hard and end up losing in the end. What am I grasping for anyway? Am I fighting for something that I know I should not have? Something that will never be mine, was never meant for me? How many times must I learn this lesson? Why do I try so hard to please others? Am I trying to prove myself, to win someone's love, their attention, their friendship? Can I relax and be myself, will people still like me? Why do I so long for people in my life? Is there another soul that can accept me for who and what I am now, and all that I will morph in to? Will I ever be number one to someone, or will I always be the back up plan, you know number 8, 10, 105 down the line?

Music and the Soul

2006-10-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

There is a connection between music and my soul. I notice that I often find comfort in the lyrics of songs, it seems that for a moment there is another human being on the face of the earth that can relate to where I am at. Sometimes the words offer me a challenge, others reflection, but there is always a connection to my heart. One of my favorite things to do is to go for a drive, and just listen to music.

This morning while I was at a worship time I found that my soul once again connected to God. Let me be honest in saying that going to church has not been a priority for me this year, but this morning I realized that it is myself that I am short changing. Those times of worship, fellowship, and teaching on a regular basis is what keeps me going through out the week.

We sang a song this morning with the words "I can not hide my love". That really got me thinking, do I hide my love for God? I think that I have been lately. Truth be told I've been in a funk, that I just can't seem to get out of. The other day, I was walking around downtown, (a very familiar place), but I saw things that I had never seen before. Strange how that can happen. While walking around, I realized that I need to heed my own words, it is about the choices that I make. So this morning, even though I woke up late, and knew that I had a busy day ahead of me, I choose to have a good attitude and make the most of it. So I entered into worship, and I choose God today. It was an extremely busy day, but I kept an upbeat attitude and really did have a good day. So I strayed a bit from my original point, but it all began with a song sung while worshiping this morning.

This is a song that I have been listening to a lot lately, I find myself in a place that I need heaven to come and take me by the hand.

Heaven bent to take my hand,
lead me through the fire,
with a long awaited answer to a long and painful trial,
truth be told I tried my best,
but some where along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer,
and the cost was so much more than I could bear.

Though I've tried I've fallen,
I have sunk so low,
I've messed up better I should know,
So don't come round here and tell me I told you so.

We all begin with good intent,
love is raw and young,
we believe that we can change ourselves that the past can be undone,
though we carry on our back a burden,
time always reveals,
in the lonely light of morning,
the wound that would not heal,
its the bitter taste of losing everything I held so dear.

Heaven bent to take my hand, nowhere left to turn, I lost all those I thought were friends to everyone I know. Oh they turn their heads embarrassed, pretend that they don't see that its one miss step and slip before you know it. There doesn't seem to be a way to be redeemed.

I've messed up better, I should know, don't come around here and tell me I told you so.

Sarah MaLachlan

I GIVE!!!

2006-09-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

I give God. I surrender. Take me, all of me, the deepest parts of me. Burn away the loneliness. Fill the hole that will be left. Rip the lies from their very roots. Replace them with truth. Wipe the slate clean, forget all the mistakes made. Give me strength to continue, to move on. Forward walking with You. Help me to put the past behind me, help me to look only to the future, carrying the lessons of the past, but help me to leave the pain.

This is my prayer, I have come to a place where I just can’t get over myself, I need God to help me. I know that for so long He has been waiting for me to come, to ask, He has been waiting. Now I see my wrong, I am ready to turn to Him, it is time for complete surrender. To be honest, I am not sure how to get there, but I am screaming inside for it. Lord honor my step towards you, I am running, are your arms open wide to receive me?

God I give, I surrender completely, wholly to You. I want this all to go away, to be over with, and I never want to be in this place again.

Why is it so easy to become un-surrendered? To return to the things that are comfortable? Why do I long for such comforts, things that I know are not pleasing to the Lord?

God I give. I surrender.

Lies

2006-09-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

Lies.... that is all that I seem to hear in my head. I am not good enough, I will never be loved, I am a bad child, I am irresponsible, I am not beautiful, nobody cares, nobody will ever fight for me, I am in this alone, I suck.

I know that these things are not truth. I find that I have to remind myself of the truth multiple times through out the day. I am precious, priceless, I have been chosen by the King, I have an irreplaceable role here on plant earth, something that only my obedience to God can accomplish, I don't suck. There are plenty of people who remind me of these truths, daily. I am blessed to have such an amazing group of loving people around me. Yet I feel alone. I may as well be walking through an empty high school hallway, only the echo of my own footsteps. You know, when you keep looking over your shoulder to make sure that there really isn’t somebody behind you. This leaves me questioning, what am I missing? Something has to be off, is it normal to feel this way? I know that He has answers; I know that I have never strayed so far away from Him, that I can not come back. I know that feelings, emotions are not necessarily true, but it does not change their presence, the fact that they are there and I feel them.

So goes the journey of my life, onward and forward. I know that I am walking with God, despite it all. These things just seem to be more in face, these last few days, maybe it is because I am busy, and things feel out of control. I don’t like it when things are out of control, so I am working on getting things in order.

But I know the truth; the truth is always setting me free.

I AM BEAUTIFUL AND LOVED, I HAVE AN IRREPLACABLE ROLE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY THE KING!!!

Choices

2006-09-23T03:42:00.000-07:00

There is so much power in the choices that we make everyday. Some days I have to choose to get out of bed, others I have to choose to have a good day. I am learning so much about the choices that I make. I had to make choices to be a good person, to follow God, and to do the "right thing". Now, most of the time, I naturally am a nice person, I will bend over backwards to see someone else suceed, but I am seeing where this can easily be taken advantage of. I give myself away until there is nothing left to give, then I go to bed and do it all over again when I wake up. Sometimes I get upset with myself, because I give too much, I am too nice, and then it comes back to haunt me. I have to learn to tell people no, I have to learn when it is too much. Sometimes I think I use this natural, God given gift to win people, to gain their friendship, because people are so important to me. See I have made some unhealthly choices in the past, like spending money that I don't have, for things that I don't need, and now there is a price to pay. The price is high. It is costing me time, energy, relationships, sleep, money. I want to encourage you to really think things through. We live in a culture and time that lives for immediate gradification, without thinking through things, God gave you a brain, please use it to think with. I wish that I would have thought more, that I would have listened to people around me, that I would have made different choices with my life. To be honest, I wish that even today, this week that I would have made different choices. I guess though that I am always looking to learn a lesson, and I learn a lot by the choices that I make. Just think about the choices that you make today. I have known that I am choosing somethings that are not good for me, and now it is all crashing down around me. I knew that this road would lead me to this result, but I choose to walk the path anyway. Now I am left to clean up the mess, to make better choices next time. Just think before you act, and if there is something telling you differently, take some time to really think through it all.

Warrior

2006-09-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

I AM A WARRIOR! I AM A WARRIOR! I AM A WARRIOR! I AM A WARRIOR! I AM A WARRIOR!

Truth be told I don't like to fight, but there are things in this life that we must battle. The other day I meet with some people for a time of prayer, and they gently reminded me that I am a warrior and that I must fight the battles that come my way. It is easy for me to get lazy, to sit down, to be apathtic, to not care. The more intense a battle is, the less I want to engage it. Truth be told, I know that God has put it in me, so I often have to remind myself to make the choice to engage the battle. As I sit here writing, the sun is breaking through the dark ominous clouds, a message of hope in the mist of the battle. It is cold outside, it seems that fall is here, though I know there is still a chance of summer of returning, I am reminded that fall is on its way, to stay, until winter arrives. This kind of weather makes me want to retreat, but God is calling me to engage the battle. I am a warrior, and I must not forget that. It seems that there is always a battle to fight, and when I am weathered and worn, I get tired and look to retreat to the things I find comfortable.

Speaking of seasons changing, (this is random I know, but stick with me). As I was getting ready for my first day of work the other day, I clicked on the tv to catch some news, it was the 5 year mark of September 11th. It struck me that it was exactly 5 years ago, September 11th the tragic day, which was my last day of work, as I embarked on a new journey into a crazy life, known as YWAM. Seems a bit fitting that exactly 5 years later, I am again turning over a new leaf and entering a new season of life. God really does seem to be in control.

Entering the real world

2006-09-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I start my new job!!! This is the first time in almost 5 years that I will be working outside YWAM. I am a little nervouse and excited at the same time. I know that God has been walking with me through this process and He is the one that has given me this job. I am still working for YWAM, but now I am carrying a second job, to make it through this season of my life. See in order for me to move forward in the dreams that God has put in my heart, I first have to get my finances in line. It has been a tumultious process, and in the last two weeks I have seen some major breakthrough in my life, this job being one of many things. While I am exicted to have regular interactions with people outside of the Christian world, I am also aware that I will see some things in myself that I have not seen before. It will be an interesting ride.

This process has been one of tears and pain. I have come to see that it is bigger than me, and God has been dealing with some things in my family as well. I have been fighting for each person in my family to see finacial freedom and breakthrough as well. I am so greatful to share in the joys of my family as well, we are all stepping up and seeing things come together. I can see now, looking back, that tears, the pain, the suffering was not in vain. I was fighting not only for myself, but for them, and I am elated to see them receiving the blessings as well.

The ones closes to us often cause the most pain, because that is where the most love is. Love is painful. Love invovles taking risk and vulnerability, something that most of us humans are afraid of. We spend the majority of our lives trying to cope, deal with, and protect ourseleves from pain. Pain was never Gods original intention for us, but it is result of the fallen world, and He uses it to bring us closer to Him. Which has been a result for me in this process, I am becoming more of who He intented me to be.