Faithful

My last post was how I was looking into the unknown.......that time has come and gone, and I am happy to report that I got a job, and housing, and am staying in Santa Cruz for the next year! I moved, and now have a roommate, I am serving again, which is a demanding job, so I am adjusting. I think I am through the transition stage now, but I am still adjusting. I will be starting classes on Monday, for a degree in hospitality management. Life has been busy, I find myself tired most of the time. I am trying to keep my focus on God. I am grateful to have a job, and a place to live, when the economy is not so good. He is faithful! He is working in me, and I am trying to let go and allow it to happen. That's all for now, but I have been wanting to update!

2.5 weeks til the unknown

In 2.5 weeks my job ends and I have to move out of my house......I don't have another job or a place to live. I have a couple possible options in the works but this is where things get complicated. There is one option which will give me a job and housing, but California labor laws require they pay me more than the position pays because I am not a student. Now I have actually been looking into going back to school, so that could solve that, but going back to school also seems scary. It's almost like God is using it as a package deal to get me back in school. Or a different position, at the same place, without housing, and higher pay. If this one pans out, I could live in a friends garage, which is very nice of them, but I would feel a little awkward about it. I had to give a preference of which option I would want, neither seems like the best option, but I finally choose the position with less pay, including housing, I would be living in a dorm, and people/community are important to me, and I would have to go back to school! I still don't know for sure that this is even an option, but I wait, and wonder how all of this will turn out. I'm really not feeling too stressed about this, sometimes I think I should be more worried, but that doesn't change anything, except my mood. I am trusting God to work it all out, after all He knows what is good for me. I will update when I know more.

Authenticity

Being authentic seems to be the theme of the week. Being real is always something that I have always marked myself with. I always say, "I can't tell a lie", "you know when I am happy and when I am not". I can tell when people are being fake with me, and I strongly dislike it. Recently I have had a pretty rough spot in life, one that lasted about a year and a half. During this time I made a lot of bad decisions, bad choices, and all but gave up on God. I isolated myself from my friends, because I was ashamed of who I was, and what I was doing, and I was sure they would not understand me, they would judge me, and not want to be my friend anymore. When I finally came to the end of my rope, I left town to get away from it all, and wipe the slate clean. In my new environment I was reluctant to share with my new friends what I was walking through and dealing with, because I did not want to tarnish their view of me, before they ever really knew me. I WAS NOT BEING REAL! I found myself alone, struggling, not trusting people, trying to deal with my shit, without letting anyone in. All the old lies that have played in my head, are playing again: "I will never be loved" "I will never be accepted" "I will always mess up" "nobody wants to be my friend" "I have strayed too far from God". Though I have been through this before, I knew how to erase those tapes, and tell myself truth. Yet I continue to feel insecure, like I don't fit in here. I was made for relationship, and deep relationship, IT IS WHO I AM! But I was not getting it here, because I was afraid to let people into my life. I AM afraid to let people know that I screwed up in a big way, I AM afraid to let people know what my struggles are, I AM afraid I will never be loved. Then on an ordinary Thursday evening, I hang out with a friend who is hurting, and it turns in to a VERY REAL moment, we share deeply our lives, and discover, that WE ALL related to each others struggles, we just need to be VULNERABLE with each other! This got me thinking, about being real, and how I need to trust, and that if I would not have been so afraid of what people would think about my admitted failure, I could have made this process easier on myself, and opened the door for others to share their struggles. What a dis-service I have done to myself and those around me. As the weekend continued, I have had other, real and raw moments with people, that have helped me to keep this at the front of my mind! Then today (Sunday), I slept in, missed church, and spend a fairly quiet day at home, cleaning, and catching up with people. I told a friend I would go to church with them tonight. We meet up, she is with other friends, I am feeling insecure, and like I should have stayed home. Then church starts and the whole teaching is about AUTHENTICITY! What! God is good, He is faithful and IT IS WHAT HE IS DOING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! The 3 choices we NEED to make to have authentic relationships are:
1) Believe what God says about me, not what other people say about me: I am loved, I am accepted, He chose me, He loves me!
2) Be vulnerable with others, BE KNOWN!
3) DON'T BE A PEOPLE PLEASER!

"Our life depends on being found" - John Ortberg
He is Good!

I finally did it......now to keep doing it

It has been a pretty rough couple weeks, for lots of different reasons. I have been trying to make some choices about what to do with my life, of course in that process, realized that I am living my life half-assed, especially when it comes to God, and I am tired of making half-assed decisions that I question forever after the decision has been made. I'm tired of second guessing myself. This weekend I finally came to the end of myself, I am tired, I am irritable, I don't have a clue, and damn it I should be desperate for God in multiple situations in my life, and I am NOT!!! So today, I didn't go to church, I slept in (which I want to stop doing), but I went to a coffee shop, and didn't allow myself to get on my computer to check FB and Myspace, so that I was up on what everyone is doing with their lives, or checking my e-mail, I read my book, then I wrote in my journal. Then this girl that was sitting by me, starting talking and she was really annoying, so I left, I came home, I locked myself in my room, and I prayed, I read my bible, it was great. Now I just need to continue to do this, and not get so caught up in watching my shows, or stocking people via FB and Myspace. Hopefully this is the beginning of the journey..........

Purpose....for a moment

This last week, I was a pusdo-naturalist. It was home-school week for camp, which means I don't have a job as a health-aide, cuz they all come with their parents. I was given the opportunity to tag along with the kindergarteners, and be crowd control. It was actually really fun, I learned some things, got to see what the Nats week is a like. It was pretty busy, I was tired at the end of each day, but always woke up ready for the next day. At the end of the week, with all the cuteness and funny things that happened, I felt accomplished, I felt as if I had purpose this week. I have not felt that in a long time, it was a good feeling. So far things have been better, I have not felt alone like did in the fall, but now real camp is starting, I will spend my days sitting in the health center alone, and not having much interaction with people. I am nervous, things have been so good, I don't want it to be like it was before, but fear it may be. I have been thinking about this summer too, what am I to do, I know the economy sucks, and people are losing jobs, so it will be hard to find one, I don't think my dream of being able to travel will happen either, I am worrying about it, I keep telling myself that God has a plan for me, and I need to trust Him, to put me where I belong. I have actually thought about trying to work here for the summer, who knows, I know I am not suppose to move on that yet. I have to keep it surrendered and trust God on this one.

Rag-A-Muffin

I am a Rag-A-Muffin! I just finished reading the Rag-a-muffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, which is a mild stone alone. I bought the book 4 or 5 years ago, started to read it, and stopped 1/2 way through (guess it just wasn't the right time). I picked it up again in Sept, when I moved away, and was attempting to start over, but was not fully ready to let go of things. Again I read some, and then stopped. This time I picked up where I left off, and actually finished it!!!! It is a great book, as long as you are not super-spiritual, or religious, which I am not,and never really have been a fan of.

A quote from the book (there are many I would love to share, but it would be like half the book) "Louis Savary describe the brotherhood (the ragamuffin brotherhood) this way: 'Their life is full of demands from others. They seem to be living at least three lives; everyone wants a piece of them; they can't say no, yet they have no time to do what they have already said yes to...They cannot seem to find the necessary clarity and information on which to base decisions...they make a great investment in relationships and get little gratitude, feedback, or even acknowledgment from others. "Although non reciprocity is inevitable and acceptable," writes Mitchell. "it is also draining. No one can function long in a helping profession without feeling its impact"' Manning continues "The first step toward rejuvenation begins with accepting where you are and exposing your poverty, frailty, and emptiness to the love that is everything. Don't try to feel anything, think anything, or do anything. With all goodwill in the world you cannot make anything happen. Don't force prayer. Simply relax in the presence of the God you half believe in and ask for a touch of folly."

I am a Rag-A-Muffin.

I came back to California knowing it was the right thing, ready to be done with the season that life had me in. I came open-minded, and ready to get back to God. Feeling guilty and ashamed of myself I couldn't find the words to tell God I was sorry, and tell Him that I needed Him. I couldn't humble myself because I was guilty. The whispers came, He wanted me, He was waiting for me, He didn't care where I had been or what I had been doing, He just wanted me back. I began to sense Him again, I began to be aware of Him in my everyday things, I began to talk to Him again. We had a staff conference here, and I was overwhelmed by Him during worship. I had not realized how far away I had wondered, how spiritually dry I had become, but I was overwhelmed by Him. I could have stayed all night, worshiping Him, it was a relief to experience Him again, and I was still my imperfect self, He really hadn't cared where I was, He really was happy that I was back. I'm still imperfect, I still struggle with loneliness, finding my place here, and in the world at large, I still sin, but I am in communication with Him, I sense Him and feel Him, and am grateful to be back in His arms. I think I will probably live this yo-yo existence my whole life, and I am okay with it, because as Manning puts it:
"The ragamuffin who sees his life as a voyage of discovery and runs the risk of failure has a better feel for faithfulness than the timid man who hides behind the law and never finds out who he is at all. Winston Churchill said it well 'Success is never final; failure is never fatal. It is the courage that counts.'"

The Messy Middle

I am still in Oregon, I head back to Cali in about a week. California, the place I couldn't wait to leave, and really have not missed much, but now I am starting to get a little excited about going back. First I am tired of couch surfing, sleeping where ever I am when I get tired, and my belongs strung across town and my car, it will be nice to have my own space again, and a bed to sleep in. Over the last couple months I have done a lot of thinking and reflecting, realizing that I am in the middle of a transition which can get a little messy. I was so excited to get back to Oregon, to friends, to my jobs, to being busy, to making money, of course things didn't turn out as I had hoped. I did get back to work, friends and life, but due to a huge snow storm that lasted 2.5 weeks, I ended up missing a lot of work, so I have found myself bored with lots of thinking to do. I realized that I am tired of my heart being dead, I am tired of just working to pay the bills and fund my good times, which are actually comprising to my values. I started making comprises to cope, and now I find myself in a series of comprises, that has left me in a place of wondering if the things I used to dream of really can be obtained, or if I should just settle. S-E-T-T-L-E -- that is a sobering word, a dangerous word, one I swore would never be a part of my life and here I have been settling for some time, and it scares me, I don't want to settle anymore. I have to admit that I am not fully ready to let go of everything here, and not really ready to embrace life in California, but I know it's what I need to do, and I know it's the right thing. Things will be different when I go back to California, some people have left, new faces will appear, my schedule will be different. I went to IKEA and bought some stuff to make my room, and house a little more homier, and I will have a tv with cable and interenet at home, to help occupy my down time. I plan on reading more, and spending time God to get my heart right with Him again, and figure out what is next for me, I also plan on working out and living a healthier life. What is next for me??? Good question, I have no idea, and I really don't feel like I need to know. I have the sense that I am suppose to go back without any commitments except the current one that have to the camp til June. I am at peace with that. I am looking forward to meeting my niece in March when she is born, and I am looking forward to my trip to Colorado in April to help with the North American Leaders Conference again. Actually I am hoping during that time that some new opportunities may arise for me to consider for the summer, hence my peace with not knowing now. I have been here before, and will probably end here again, different circumstances, but a peace with knowing what I need to do, and not really knowing how to get there. I am still human, and imperfect, and transition is not always smooth, but I know this, and will do the best I can, trying not to repeat mistakes of the past, and looking for my little niche in the world, this will be a journey, one which you can find random updates of here, on this crazy blog.