I've succumb to the control

Its the end of yet another long day, or the beginning of a new one, depending on how you look at it. I sit here typing away after a day that has been full of saving other peoples butts. Sometime I just get tired of it. I mean who's ever around to save my butt, when it needs saving, which is pretty often.

I succumb to the control, I allow myself to be won over, and for what? I am left in the cold, standing empty handed. I have given of everything, and yet get nothing in return. That is part of the deal, don't expect anything in return. Now I am left with a decision to make, do I let it go, what has been, has been, let it be, let go and move forward, or do I hold on to the glimmer of hope, until the glimmer is gone. I am so tired of holding on until there is nothing left to hold on too. I fight so hard and end up losing in the end. What am I grasping for anyway? Am I fighting for something that I know I should not have? Something that will never be mine, was never meant for me? How many times must I learn this lesson? Why do I try so hard to please others? Am I trying to prove myself, to win someone's love, their attention, their friendship? Can I relax and be myself, will people still like me? Why do I so long for people in my life? Is there another soul that can accept me for who and what I am now, and all that I will morph in to? Will I ever be number one to someone, or will I always be the back up plan, you know number 8, 10, 105 down the line?