Breaking, Surrendering, Becoming

I slept in yesterday morning, when I finally awoke, I found myself wondering what the point was to getting out of bed, it was a day off after all, and it was cold, and my bed was warm. I rose, made coffee, and got back in bed, to think. As I began to write, some ugly things began to come out of me. Truth was I did not want to spend the day with myself, thinking about my life, I am afraid of myself. So I quickly looked around my very messy room and decided to conquer and clean it. The tactic was to busy myself, so that I would again be distracted from my very own thoughts. So I spent many needed hours cleaning, but then I was still restless. So a friend and I went downtown to sit at a local coffee shop. I find that I don't mind facing myself, at a coffee shop. We kept to ourselves, I wrote, and began reading a book. I realized that I was ready to break, it has been a long time coming. There was a paragraph in this book that really struck me and got me to thinking.

"God loves you just the way you are. If you think His love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you are wrong. If you think his love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are."
Max Lucado "Just Like Jesus"

I wanted to cry but did not. I have confused God's love, with love from people. I long to be loved, so I give tirelessly of myself to others, to be loved. But I have found this leaving me empty because it is not the love that I am longing for. At the same time I feel that I must perform for God to get His love, because that is how I get it from people. Point taken.

Later I was talking to yet another friend, I was trying to put words to all of this. My friend began to encourage me, and I was having a hard time receiving it. Then came the words that hit me hard, and yes finally brought me to tears. He referred to the story of Martha and Mary. Martha was busy, working hard to please everyone, including Jesus who was visiting her home, while Mary was simple sitting enjoying his presence. My friend acknowledged that I do a great job of serving others, that I work really hard, and give endlessly of myself to see others succeed, but he said maybe its time to be a Mary, it is time to relax and let people serve me and love on me. I responded with I don't know how to be loved. Thats right, I don't know how to receive love, whether it be Gods love or love from people. But what I need is to take time to slow down, and enjoy God, and peoples presence, I used to be so good at this, but some how I got off track.

So this morning I asked God to help me be a Mary. I am in an interesting season of life that is demanding more from me than previously, so how can I be a Mary in this season of life? Then out the door to worship. The thing of Martha and Mary came again, and it was a very sweet time of sitting and being with Jesus. Today my heart feels at rest again, the running and striving ceased, there seemed to be less stress and more time for relationships.

I walked away with a smile on my face, saying to God, I give, I get it, I want to be Mary. Three times, three different places, same message, I think, I hope, I get it.

I am broken, I am surrendering, I am becoming more of what God intended me to be. He loves me just the way I am, but He loves me too much to leave me this way.

It is a good place to be. I still have a lot to learn about begin and not confusing Gods love and peoples love, but I know that the process is under way. It is a good process.