So it is Thanksgiving, and I worked on Thanksgiving for the first time in my 25 years of existence. It was a bit weird. My day got off to a rough start. My car broke on the way to work, so I ended up being 15 minutes late, after walking the rest of the way in the cold pouring down rain. So by the time I got there I was soaking wet, I was suppose to be looking my best, and my best efforts were all washed away. Then the tough girl (me) cried. The day that I am suppose to be at my best, happy, smiling, thankful, and shinning, some rain and a hunk of metal seemed to ruin my day. After a few minutes I pulled myself together and put on my happy face. Work was not bad, I actually think that things went really well, it was busy, but things went really smoothly, in my opinion, others might disagree with me. I wanted to be tough, to be strong, I am feeling very humbled through this experience in my life. It did not really feel like Thanksgiving to me, yet I was aware that it was. I thought I have to find something to be thankful for, even though I did not really feel like being thankful. Now I know this is going to sound cliché but it is honest and true. I am thankful that I am a live, I have lots of people who care about me, and while it may feel like I have nothing (according to the standards of this culture) I still have more than most of the world. I have a dream that I am pursuing whole heartedly, and I have eternal life. I am sure that there is way more stuff to be thankful for but those were the first ones that popped into my head.
I feel like I am on either on the edge of a breakthrough in my life, or getting ready to fall a cliff, which might actually be the breakthrough. It causes me to be uncomfortable. I have seen myself as a bad person, someone whom God would not want to love (at least in my eyes). I have been trying to “come back to Him”, when I see myself approaching Him, I see myself like a snake, slithering on its belly, except that the closer I get, I become more aware of my “ugliness”. Then I am aware that I cannot approach God, so I turn and go back. I am afraid of God, His love, His intimacy, which are things that interestingly enough I desperately long for. So back and forth I slither, closer, away, closer, away, closer again, away again, back and forth it seems never ending. I have to come to God in full confidence, knowing that He loves me, no matter what. Nothing, NOTHING, there is nothing that can take away the love that God has for me. Struggle 2: I know these things in my head, but not in my heart. I used to know them in my heart, don’t know when, where, or how they disappeared, but they are not there anymore. Its funny or interesting (you decide) that I can see Him working and moving in my life, but I do not feel Him. Now I know that sometimes feelings lie, they are not always a reality, but I am also seeing where it sometimes it just has to be a conscience choice. This last week, I began making the choice in my head (with my mind and mouth) despite how I felt or what my circumstances dictated to me, I am choosing God. Wouldn’t ya know that things, my circumstances seemed to have gotten worse, now doesn’t that make total sense????
The moral of the story (there really isn’t one): Even when you don’t see it or feel like it, find something to be thankful for, I am not a snake ( and neither are you), approach God with full confidence, knowing that I am loved and nothing can stop that, NOTHING! Feelings lie, sometimes it has to be a choice that is made.
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