Falling short of the stick

I have always had some sort of way that I measure how well I am doing in life, mostly it comes from if I call myself this, I am expected to act a certain way. If I call myself a Christian, then I am suppose to be happy, not have any problems, do good things for others, go to church, pray, read my bible, and if I am missionary, I must do all those things, more intensely, as well as give up a lot more, be leading people to the Lord, living without, dying to myself, setting a good example, there is a lot of pressure. All these things seem to be the standards, that people, the church, jobs have put on me, some spoken, and some unspoken. I have always tried to live up to these standards, yet feel like I am always falling short, and when I fall short, I feel like a bad person and begin to question everything. I am tired of falling short of said standards, rules, expectations, I want to be free to be me. I spent many years being discipled intensely,there I learned that your are only spiritual if the first thing you do when you get up in the morning is pray and read your bible, and it must be a full hour devoted to that. Sorry I don't work that way, I understand the value of spending time with God, and I do think that is really important, but I can't operate in that box, and I know that God meets me outside of that. My point is, I am finally starting to realize that it really is more about a relationship with Him, than following the rules, standards, or expectations that I have adopted or allowed to be put on me. I am trying to live in this freedom, but it is not easy. God loves me, for me, my problems, my habits, the time and space I make for Him in my life, He hates that I feel like I am disappointing Him, others, and myself, all the time. So here I journey to bring the truths, the real truths, into my life to live by, without, feeling like I am falling short, I am human I will not be perfect, I am not perfect, I have problems, life will not be perfect, but that should not change my relationship with God, so here I go on yet another life long adventure. Relationship not rules.