Vicious Circles

I am so confused, so frustrated. I just need to make a decision and stick with it. I keep going back and forth, nothing feels fully right. I really want to be in missions, and ministry, I want it bad, but I feel like I am forcing it to happen. I am also scared to death of it. I know it will not be easy. In some ways I am hoping that going back in to ministry will strengthen my relationship with God, and I think that is one of the reasons that I want it so badly. But the truth is I need to have a strong relationship with God no matter what it is that I am doing with my life. So I think maybe it is better for me to keep my job, keep working, continue to get out of debt, save up some money, and take some time to really own my relationship with God. But when I think about that, everything that I have been working for, all the stuff that I have, it all seems pointless, now. I really did get it for the purpose of ministry. And I think, I need to find a real job, I can’t stay a banquet server forever. So this is not really about this job or that job, it is about my relationship with God, and it is about what I am going to do with my life. Part of the struggle is, I have seen and done too much, and I can not settle for just working. I want to be a part of something bigger, something that I know is making a difference in the world, I need to know that I am doing something to impact people, ultimately that is what makes me happy. Maybe it is a matter of finding the right thing, in the right place, at the right time? I guess that is part of it, I want, I need to find my place in this world, that is something I have always struggled with. I am not getting any younger, I thought all of this was suppose to be out of my system by now, and here I am wading through it, trying to figure it out. That is what people told me, give it a few years and it will be out of your system. Well it was 5.5 years, and now I am trying to get rid of it, but it keeps haunting me, because it is a part of me, it affects what I do and what I think, but I don’t know how to communicate this to people, and if I am going to do this, I need people to come with me, to believe in me and what I am doing, and give towards it. I think that people need to stop being selfish and start making a difference in the world. Really I want to have it all, and I just don’t know if that is possible. I have dreams, lots of dreams, and I believe that they can come true, but it is a process, and I have trouble sticking things out through the process sometimes. I want to travel the world, I want to see artist traveling the world, using their skills to bring people to Christ, and raising awareness for issues, I want to be able to offer health care to those I meet that need it, I want to write stories about those that meet, so the rest of the world can know, and I want to hold babies and play with kids that have been left with one to love them, these are my dreams, and they don’t fit in anyone’s box, they are scary, it will mean giving up a lot, and when I am in it will be worth it, but I don’t know how to get there!!!!! So maybe I just need some more time, more time to figure it all out, to “find myself”, to get myself back on track with God, and continue getting my finances in order. While all of this is happening, I can volunteer my time, and look for opportunities to do what I think I will love. I am even thinking about going back to school, who knows. There are about three things that I want to do, it is just trying to figure out how I can do them all at the same time, and well getting the skills in my tool box to do them. So here is to pursuing my dreams in a kinda round-about way. God help me, something still does not feel right about this. I wish there was another way. Ugggg save me from myself. I wish someone could do this for me, but I know I have to do it myself, I have to do myself. I hate this cycle, I want it to end, the circles are vicious.