I can’t sleep, too many things running through my head. It has not been an easy year, heck right now I feel like it has not been an easy life. I want to be happy, I just want to be happy. Some title me as sick, twisted, dark, depressed, and morbid, while others think I am great and amazing. Truth: I am both, it depends on the day, on the moment. I am not polished and put together, I am human, I am not put together, I am not polished, I have problems, but who doesn’t? I am human. I don’t think of myself as anything great or extraordinary, some have seen me that way because I am (or was, or am, or will be) a missionary. That makes me feel like I should be polished, and put together and know what I am doing, but I don’t. Right now I don’t even know what the right thing to do with my life is, or maybe I do, but maybe I scared of it. I know, I know what I want, but it does not seem that extraordinary, or important, and for sure it will not be easy, but it is simple. I want to love, to love deeply, I can do that, and yeah I get hurt, I get taken advantage of, I get screwed over, but some where, some how I find the strength to love again, or to continue to love. I want to work with artist, to facilitate them so their work is bringing people to know God, I want their work to be used to raise awareness for issues like human trafficking, AIDS, prostitution, Female Genital Mutilation/Circumcision (FGM/C). I want to be able to provide health care to those who need it, I want to write stories about my experiences and the people I meet and their lives, I want to hold children who have been left, abandoned, with no one to love them, maybe they are dying of AIDS, and there is no one to hold them. That is what I want to do. That is my life passion, simple, it is that simple. That is my unpolished mission and vision statement. I don’t know how is all fits together, I don’t know what it looks like, I don’t have skills in most of these areas or minimal skills, but this is what I want to give my life too. This is it. So it doesn’t fit in a box, it is not polished, clean, or well put together, but it is what I want to do. Anyone know where I can do this? Anyone want to do this with me? Anyone what to help me do this? So that is what I want to do, now I need to find the money to do it. It will not be cheap, it will cost a lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of love. Time and love I have, it is the money that is the hindrance. This is where it gets hard for me. Me who is strong, and independent, and has taken care of herself since was 5 years old, has to ask for help. I have to take my sort of vague, big and clumsy, unpolished “vision” and “sell” it to people and ask them to give money towards it!!!! That is what makes this hard for me, my independence, and my pride are standing in the way. I have to ask people who are just like me, searching for happiness, trying to grab a hold of their dreams, and ask them to support mine. That is what is killing me. I wish I could kill my strength, pride and independence. It has been a hard, and mostly dark year for me. The battle between what I want, what is right, and letting parts of me die, has been intense, and it is really intense right now. But I am holding on to a thread of hope, a thread that brings me life, and thread that someday I will get there. All I have is a thread, but I will not let it go. I have reminders of baby Kennedy, 6 months old (2 years ago) that I spent days holding and playing with the last time I was in Uganda. I wonder how is at almost 2.5 years old, I wonder who has held since me, and if he ever found a home. I wonder about 8 month old Tabitha (2 years ago), who tested positive for HIV while I was playing with her. She always cried when I put her down, she would always go to sleep when I held her, how is she now, is she still alive, will I ever get to see her again. These babies are part of my thread of hope. So that is my thread of hope in the darkness, the pitch black darkness, that I am living in right now. The thread of hope that make the great and amazing me want to show her face. For now there are still no answers, unless someone has some suggestions for me????? I am tired now, so I must sleep, I have to work tomorrow, which means I need to get up early, and really should have been sleeping a long time ago. But I am not giving up my thread.
20.11.07
My Thread
I can’t sleep, too many things running through my head. It has not been an easy year, heck right now I feel like it has not been an easy life. I want to be happy, I just want to be happy. Some title me as sick, twisted, dark, depressed, and morbid, while others think I am great and amazing. Truth: I am both, it depends on the day, on the moment. I am not polished and put together, I am human, I am not put together, I am not polished, I have problems, but who doesn’t? I am human. I don’t think of myself as anything great or extraordinary, some have seen me that way because I am (or was, or am, or will be) a missionary. That makes me feel like I should be polished, and put together and know what I am doing, but I don’t. Right now I don’t even know what the right thing to do with my life is, or maybe I do, but maybe I scared of it. I know, I know what I want, but it does not seem that extraordinary, or important, and for sure it will not be easy, but it is simple. I want to love, to love deeply, I can do that, and yeah I get hurt, I get taken advantage of, I get screwed over, but some where, some how I find the strength to love again, or to continue to love. I want to work with artist, to facilitate them so their work is bringing people to know God, I want their work to be used to raise awareness for issues like human trafficking, AIDS, prostitution, Female Genital Mutilation/Circumcision (FGM/C). I want to be able to provide health care to those who need it, I want to write stories about my experiences and the people I meet and their lives, I want to hold children who have been left, abandoned, with no one to love them, maybe they are dying of AIDS, and there is no one to hold them. That is what I want to do. That is my life passion, simple, it is that simple. That is my unpolished mission and vision statement. I don’t know how is all fits together, I don’t know what it looks like, I don’t have skills in most of these areas or minimal skills, but this is what I want to give my life too. This is it. So it doesn’t fit in a box, it is not polished, clean, or well put together, but it is what I want to do. Anyone know where I can do this? Anyone want to do this with me? Anyone what to help me do this? So that is what I want to do, now I need to find the money to do it. It will not be cheap, it will cost a lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of love. Time and love I have, it is the money that is the hindrance. This is where it gets hard for me. Me who is strong, and independent, and has taken care of herself since was 5 years old, has to ask for help. I have to take my sort of vague, big and clumsy, unpolished “vision” and “sell” it to people and ask them to give money towards it!!!! That is what makes this hard for me, my independence, and my pride are standing in the way. I have to ask people who are just like me, searching for happiness, trying to grab a hold of their dreams, and ask them to support mine. That is what is killing me. I wish I could kill my strength, pride and independence. It has been a hard, and mostly dark year for me. The battle between what I want, what is right, and letting parts of me die, has been intense, and it is really intense right now. But I am holding on to a thread of hope, a thread that brings me life, and thread that someday I will get there. All I have is a thread, but I will not let it go. I have reminders of baby Kennedy, 6 months old (2 years ago) that I spent days holding and playing with the last time I was in Uganda. I wonder how is at almost 2.5 years old, I wonder who has held since me, and if he ever found a home. I wonder about 8 month old Tabitha (2 years ago), who tested positive for HIV while I was playing with her. She always cried when I put her down, she would always go to sleep when I held her, how is she now, is she still alive, will I ever get to see her again. These babies are part of my thread of hope. So that is my thread of hope in the darkness, the pitch black darkness, that I am living in right now. The thread of hope that make the great and amazing me want to show her face. For now there are still no answers, unless someone has some suggestions for me????? I am tired now, so I must sleep, I have to work tomorrow, which means I need to get up early, and really should have been sleeping a long time ago. But I am not giving up my thread.
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