The days are getting noticeably longer, if you are paying attention. I like the light. The stress of the last few months has worn on me. Its like erosion, rushing streams erode away at river banks, sometimes causing houses and other things to fall into them. My heart, my emotions, my body, my faith, it has been eroding away. This has been a tough year, the more I try to make sense of it, the less it makes sense, just when I think things are looking up, everything comes crashing down again. I am questioning everything, my life, my call, my religion, what I am doing. I am a missionary, and have been for 5.5 years now, but I am also a human begin, I am not perfect, I mess up. Some people try to evaluate me to something special and higher, but I have struggles just like everyone else, sometimes they seem more intense, because I feel I have something to prove or live up too, and sometimes those things are just too much for me. I guess I am not so much questioning my call, the dream is still the same, a unique combination of healthcare and photojournalism, as a way to affect social injustice issues around the world, and using the arts to raise awareness, but I am frustrated by not knowing where to start and how to get there and acquire the training, no time to figure it out. Getting out of debt is the first step, and the one that I am working on now, but I feel like it is such a distraction. So I work two jobs, and still, it is not enough, money that is, or time. I seem to have taken my eyes off of God in this process. Now that I am not constantly in a loving, caring, supportive Christian environment, I see a lot more flaws in myself. At first I saw this as an opportunity to show Gods love, as my sort of mission field. Now I feel like I have been a poor example of God. One of my deepest fears appears to be true, the old Jen, the girl I thought was nailed to the cross, is not. I am driven by my environment, when it was all loving, caring, supportive, I thrived, and I stayed on “the right track”. I always feared that if I left this environment, that old habits would return, and old comforts would resurface, and now that I am exposed to “the real world”, I find these things are resurfacing. The old girl is not dead, maybe she was and has been resurrected, or maybe she has just been repressed and in hiding? I find myself wondering if I have been faking it this whole time, or if it is just the circumstances of life eroding at my soul? So many things to think about, to consider. While I am busy, I could make time to think, but I am really good at finding things to distract myself from these things. I know it has to be done, there is a part of me that does not want to admit all that has already been said, a part that does not want to kill the old Jen again, but I know that something has to change. The girl must DIE, and for good this time, for real, not just hiding in the shadows, lurking around for a moment of weakness to come out and play, she has to go. I need help, but have been afraid of asking for it. I want to deal with it all on my own, but at the same time, I wish that someone would come along and just fix everything for me so that I would not have to deal with it anymore, but I have created my own personal hell, and now I have to get out of it. Ultimately I want God, I want to follow Him, and I want to walk His path, and live the dreams He has put in my heart, but I don’t know how to stop the erosion, or repair the damage that has been done. Talking to people will help, I need the accountability, but there has to be actions as well.
Ryan, THANK YOU, thank you for being there when I needed a friend, thanks for your listening ear, for not judging me, and for your words of encouragement and advice. It was just what I needed and at the right time, you are amazing. Juls thank you, tonight was great and also just what I needed, a bit of time to relax and unwind, and you play a mad game of pool, thanks for kicking my butt. KP, I love you, thank you for the post card, the phone calls, and everything that you are, I can not wait for you to come home, we really need to hang out.
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