Pondering

So I am “stepping back”, trying to lay low, which really means that I am taking on working with a huge conference, of major leaders from the mission, something that excites me and scares me all at the same time. I am supposed to be laying low, so that I can further step into other things, like working. Over the last several days lots of stuff about my job has occurred to me. Last night I was talking to a guy that I work with, and he says that he hasn’t figured me out yet, like who am I outside of work, he said that I send mixed messages. The truth is I have and I do. It is not that I am a different person depending on which job I am at. I am a hard worker, friendly, outgoing, bend-over--backwards-to-make-anybody-look-good-hoping-the-whole-time-that-I-won’t-be-noticed-for-it type. I know that people see this in me, and has been a struggle at different times for different reasons. I also know that this is taken advantage of at work; I am asking for more training, 1) so that I can have a better understanding, 2) I will be able to jump in more and help out, like I do naturally anyway and 3) eventually I will be able to make more money, but my manager doesn’t want to train me, because I am good at what I do, he doesn’t have to tell me what to do, things just get done, and he looks good, and with this training he may lose me, because I am a good worker and everyone sees it. Now I am not out to screw anyone over, but I have to do what is good for me, and I am thinking this is not the best. At the same time I hear and see a lot of things that I really would rather not know about, but I am trusted so I do. I am stuck because I don’t want to “tell on people”, but some things need to be brought to light. I will not lie, in saying when I started this job, I was in a very tough place, and I, YES I, compromised my own character by my actions. Now that I am gaining sight of God again, and control of my life, I want to show my character, but it puts me in a tough place. They don’t understand where I am coming from, I want to be a “normal” person, not a religious freak, so how could I change so quickly? But I don’t know who to trust, so I don’t know who to talk too, so I keep my mouth shut, and nothing changes, which sucks. I so desperately want to live a life at a higher standard (the one God calls me too), but often I feel so far from it. I want to live with integrity and character, but am so aware of my humanness and every mistake that I make. I desperately want to make a difference in the world, but don’t feel like I even know where to begin. It seems in one environment, they recognize that there is something different about me, yet they can relate to me, in the other environment, it seems that I never quite get there, and I just don’t fit. It is such a struggle, what to do. The place that I don't fit, is the one that I truly want, and the one where they see something in me, well it is the one that I am getting. I think I thought I wanted it, but it is now becoming more and more uncomfortable. I know that I am on a very exciting path to something, big, and good, I just have to keep walking, I think it will be too good to be true, but I really don't know what that is yet. I keep pondering and waiting.