I sit at one of my favorite hiding spots, I have much to think about, much to decide. I have been so busy that I feel weird having time to do stuff. It has made me uncomfortable, anxious, restless. I am trying to find peace, I have exhausted all my resources, spending money, making contact with old friends, everything. Now I am forced to do what I have been avoiding, making decisions.
I have gone from working 50 to 60 hours a week, to if I am lucky I will get 30. That is a huge difference. So I have begun looking for another job, I need something to occupy myself. I have also realized that I am dissatisfied with my life. The goal is still at hand, get out of debt, but the way has to be different. I have decided that January is it, no matter what I will be back in full time ministry. There has to be an end, I can’t keep letting this ride out. I am tired of holding on, tired of holding on to hope, tired of waiting. It feels like victory is never is gong to come. Victory needs a deadline. I don’t want to any more, I can’t. I say that, but it is only September, and January is 4 months away. I have been doing this for too long and I just don’t care to do it anymore. I have a problem with fulfilling my imitate gratification, that is what got me into this mess in the first place. Does this make any sense? So that is the goal, that is what I hold on too. That makes for a lot of things to have to take place in those 4 months, that sometimes feel so far away, and sometimes feels so quickly approaching. I have to decide what it is that I will do when I come back, I have to raise support, which means a huge time commitment, a lot of communication, and a lot of work. All of which I am dreading, but has to be done. There are so many questions. What if God doesn’t speak? What if He doesn’t show up? What if I am doing all of this in vain? I will never know if I do not try, but I am afraid to try. I will never know if I do not try. I have to at least take the step, I have to try to fight for what I believe in. I have to prepare my mind, my heart, my soul. Transition it seems is always a process, and always takes longer than expected. So here is to my step of faith, to seeing the long await dreams come true. To finding what I know is true, fulfilling my dreams, doing what it takes to make it happen, and it actually happing. Wish me luck, if anyone still reads this loser blog of mine. Here is to being FREE!!!!!!!!!
1 comment:
You may remember me, or you may not...but I stumbled across your blog many months ago thru Ryan's (who I had stumbled upon through someone elses...you know how it happens)and every so often I come to read what you have wrote. I remember seeing you in Salem last summer and seeing that you had a destiny far beyond that of which you allow yourself to see. You short change yourself. Don't be afraid to step out in what may seem overwelming, but be bold in that to which He has called you to. He does not choose those with their finances all in order, nor the ones who study scripture faithfully...He calls ones who will lay it down, drop their nets, and follow Him. Do not be afraid, do not be discourgaed for I am the Lord YOUR God, and I will be with you wherever you go~ Joshua 1:9 I will even be bold enough to say that I believe you are meant to be in missions. You have captured the heart of the Father and exemplify His love. Blessings to you,
Louise
ps. to jog your memory..we were the family with the boy who constantly ran away from COD- ugh (I knew that would work ;) )
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