Relationships…..money…….happiness…….stuff……life

I hung out with some friends today, it was really fun, we went wine tasting. I rarely get Saturday’s off, and when I do my friends generally have other plans, so it was nice to actually get to do something fun and with people I hardly get to spend time with anymore. I have not had much time to spend with my friends because I have been working a lot, too much. My motivation; money, I working my ass off for money. I am starting to believe that saying “money is the root of all evil”. I am working so hard, for so much money, so that I can get out of debt, and yes progress is being made ( have paid off over half of it), and that is encouraging, very encouraging, and I have been able to acquire a lot of stuff that is necessary to live and to do what I ultimately want to do. So now I have all the stuff, and I have money to pay my bills, but my heart is dying, my relationships are suffering, my happiness is gone and it just is not worth it to me. Not anymore, it is not good for me, and I don’t like it, but I need money to live, it does not change the fact that I have bills to pay, so I have to make a plan of action. Now I am not talking about being a dead-beat, staying home sitting on the couch eating bon-bon’s all day. I would not, I could not ever do that, I have to be doing something. I want to go back to doing what I know I was made for, the thing that brought me life, traveling the world, doing my part to make a difference. I will not lie, I like having money, I like being able to buy what I want, I like knowing that my bills will be paid, but I don’t like what it has done to my heart, I don’t like what it has done to my relationships, and I don’t like what it has done to me. I want to do what I love and have the money to do it, otherwise the frustration will continue, and I am tired of being frustrated. I don’t like that I feel like a loser, that I feel like I don’t have any friends. I fell out of life for a couple weeks, I just disappeared, I did not want to be found, now I am trying to tell myself and everyone else that everything is okay, put a smile on my face, and make it through the day. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I suck at pretending. So it was good that I was able to spend time with my friends, doing something fun. I was talking to some friends, I said something that was my opinion, and I was immediately shut down by one of these friends. I could say that I am entitled to my opinion or that I have I right to my opinion, (which I would like to be true) but I am not going there. The point is, I shared my opinion, and this friend of mine did not validate it or anything, they just didn’t want to go there, they did not want to hear about it. Maybe I am retarded (it’s been known to happen), but I listen to them talk about their life, about the stuff happening in their world, even if I don’t want to hear it at the time, even if I have heard it a million times, isn’t that what friends are for? I want to be heard! I want to be encouraged! I want to be validated! With this same group of friends I happened to mention a desire of mine, and they commented that I have had that desire for as long as they have known me, and sort of belittled it. I don’t belittle their dreams, their desires, and right now would be a good time for someone to encourage me in mine, I know that is totally selfish, but I do it for other people even when I don’t believe it for myself. I am tired of feeling like my dreams and my desires will never come true, it makes it hard to fight for them. All of this is only adding to the “loser factor” in my life. Maybe I am wanting and expecting too much from life, from people. It seems that I don’t have much left in common with those who were my real friends, making it a challenge to hang out, and I don’t live a life very similar to those I work with, also aiding me in the feeling of not having many friends. I am not saying that I don’t have any friends, because there are still a few that call me when they have not heard from me, or seen me in a while, but there are some that have just sort of faded a way, and there are the few that call only when they need something, these are the ones I wish would fade away because I am sucker and usually can’t say no, knowing full well that I am being taken advantage of. I am stuck in a rut, I am trying to get out, I am holding on to only shreds of hope, all because I thought I was doing what I am suppose to be doing, because I am trying to be responsible, I am trying to do the right thing and it feels all wrong, it feels like it is costing me everything, and I don’t like it. I am trying to change it, I am going back to what I love, what I know I was made to do, I am not making decisions based on people anymore, and I am hoping that I will have the money to do it.