Soggy

I am sitting here, it is pouring down rain outside, it rained all weekend, I heard 5.5 inches on Saturday, not just rain, but wind too. Saturday nite a tree fell down knocking out electricity for 11 hours, which kinda turn out to be fun, because all of us ended gathering at one house with a fireplace, hanging out together, otherwise I would have ended up spending the night alone, with my movies. It was interesting, I began to feel really insecure and awkward, I actually thought that I would be more comfortable sitting at home, alone, in the cold and dark. It's interesting, I have been feeling really insecure since I have been here, it's like I don't know who I am any more, I am not comfortable with myself, and I have nothing to distract myself with. I feel insecure with how I look, what I do, who I am as a person, causing me to withdrawal, I don't feel like I am doing anything worth while here. My good days are okay, my bad days, bad. When there isn't anything pressing, it takes a lot of convincing myself to get out of bed. I came here running, hoping that a change would some how magically make everything better, or different at least, that is not the case, so now I want to run back home, at least there are comforts there, but I am beginning to think that is not the answer either. I feel like I am just running around in circles, nothing is the right answer. I find myself wondering if I will find "it", if I will ever be satisfied with my life, and my choices. It seems here I am always on the outside, at meals at the table, I am always the one stuck between 2 conversation, neither of which I can add too. I am not cool enough for the cool kids, and not uncool enough for the uncool kids. I miss having human touch, nobody hugs here, or even just pats on the back, conversations are very surfacy, nothing ever deep, I hate that, I don't do that well, so I just retreat into myself, not adding anything to this community, and not getting anything from it either. So I wanted to go home, which I get to do for a couple months but I can already tell that is not going to be all that it's cracked up to be either. Why am I so hard to please, so unsettled, why can't I ever be satisfied with my life and the choices I make, and why am I always running in these stupid circles in my head? Anyways I will be home in 5 days, looking forward to that, I think.