The Messy Middle

I am still in Oregon, I head back to Cali in about a week. California, the place I couldn't wait to leave, and really have not missed much, but now I am starting to get a little excited about going back. First I am tired of couch surfing, sleeping where ever I am when I get tired, and my belongs strung across town and my car, it will be nice to have my own space again, and a bed to sleep in. Over the last couple months I have done a lot of thinking and reflecting, realizing that I am in the middle of a transition which can get a little messy. I was so excited to get back to Oregon, to friends, to my jobs, to being busy, to making money, of course things didn't turn out as I had hoped. I did get back to work, friends and life, but due to a huge snow storm that lasted 2.5 weeks, I ended up missing a lot of work, so I have found myself bored with lots of thinking to do. I realized that I am tired of my heart being dead, I am tired of just working to pay the bills and fund my good times, which are actually comprising to my values. I started making comprises to cope, and now I find myself in a series of comprises, that has left me in a place of wondering if the things I used to dream of really can be obtained, or if I should just settle. S-E-T-T-L-E -- that is a sobering word, a dangerous word, one I swore would never be a part of my life and here I have been settling for some time, and it scares me, I don't want to settle anymore. I have to admit that I am not fully ready to let go of everything here, and not really ready to embrace life in California, but I know it's what I need to do, and I know it's the right thing. Things will be different when I go back to California, some people have left, new faces will appear, my schedule will be different. I went to IKEA and bought some stuff to make my room, and house a little more homier, and I will have a tv with cable and interenet at home, to help occupy my down time. I plan on reading more, and spending time God to get my heart right with Him again, and figure out what is next for me, I also plan on working out and living a healthier life. What is next for me??? Good question, I have no idea, and I really don't feel like I need to know. I have the sense that I am suppose to go back without any commitments except the current one that have to the camp til June. I am at peace with that. I am looking forward to meeting my niece in March when she is born, and I am looking forward to my trip to Colorado in April to help with the North American Leaders Conference again. Actually I am hoping during that time that some new opportunities may arise for me to consider for the summer, hence my peace with not knowing now. I have been here before, and will probably end here again, different circumstances, but a peace with knowing what I need to do, and not really knowing how to get there. I am still human, and imperfect, and transition is not always smooth, but I know this, and will do the best I can, trying not to repeat mistakes of the past, and looking for my little niche in the world, this will be a journey, one which you can find random updates of here, on this crazy blog.