Authenticity

Being authentic seems to be the theme of the week. Being real is always something that I have always marked myself with. I always say, "I can't tell a lie", "you know when I am happy and when I am not". I can tell when people are being fake with me, and I strongly dislike it. Recently I have had a pretty rough spot in life, one that lasted about a year and a half. During this time I made a lot of bad decisions, bad choices, and all but gave up on God. I isolated myself from my friends, because I was ashamed of who I was, and what I was doing, and I was sure they would not understand me, they would judge me, and not want to be my friend anymore. When I finally came to the end of my rope, I left town to get away from it all, and wipe the slate clean. In my new environment I was reluctant to share with my new friends what I was walking through and dealing with, because I did not want to tarnish their view of me, before they ever really knew me. I WAS NOT BEING REAL! I found myself alone, struggling, not trusting people, trying to deal with my shit, without letting anyone in. All the old lies that have played in my head, are playing again: "I will never be loved" "I will never be accepted" "I will always mess up" "nobody wants to be my friend" "I have strayed too far from God". Though I have been through this before, I knew how to erase those tapes, and tell myself truth. Yet I continue to feel insecure, like I don't fit in here. I was made for relationship, and deep relationship, IT IS WHO I AM! But I was not getting it here, because I was afraid to let people into my life. I AM afraid to let people know that I screwed up in a big way, I AM afraid to let people know what my struggles are, I AM afraid I will never be loved. Then on an ordinary Thursday evening, I hang out with a friend who is hurting, and it turns in to a VERY REAL moment, we share deeply our lives, and discover, that WE ALL related to each others struggles, we just need to be VULNERABLE with each other! This got me thinking, about being real, and how I need to trust, and that if I would not have been so afraid of what people would think about my admitted failure, I could have made this process easier on myself, and opened the door for others to share their struggles. What a dis-service I have done to myself and those around me. As the weekend continued, I have had other, real and raw moments with people, that have helped me to keep this at the front of my mind! Then today (Sunday), I slept in, missed church, and spend a fairly quiet day at home, cleaning, and catching up with people. I told a friend I would go to church with them tonight. We meet up, she is with other friends, I am feeling insecure, and like I should have stayed home. Then church starts and the whole teaching is about AUTHENTICITY! What! God is good, He is faithful and IT IS WHAT HE IS DOING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! The 3 choices we NEED to make to have authentic relationships are:
1) Believe what God says about me, not what other people say about me: I am loved, I am accepted, He chose me, He loves me!
2) Be vulnerable with others, BE KNOWN!
3) DON'T BE A PEOPLE PLEASER!

"Our life depends on being found" - John Ortberg
He is Good!