Can't sleep

I can’t sleep, I wish I could, because I have to get up early and it will be a busy day. So many things running through my head right now. I can sense a new season coming, though it is not here yet, but I feel the freshness in the air. I need a new season, I need the freshness. Life has been suffocating and choking me, it is time for air, for newness. I am wondering if my heart will continue on this string like a yo-yo for all to play with? Up and down, close and far, people can’t make up their minds, I can’t make up my mind, maybe it is really just me, and others have nothing to do with it. I wonder about my car, I have to get it taken care of, so I am going to spend the money to make sure that happens, people have kept me waiting, and I just can’t wait anymore, action needs to be taken, no more slacking. Nobody will help me, so I will take care of it myself, and those who have been giving me rides, are seeming to be tired of the situation, after all I am an adult, so I should be able to take care of myself, right? I think about my attitude, this is a big one, I never have anything good to say, which means that I should keep my mouth shut, but I don’t. I think I am dragging down those around me. What kind of affect am I having on this community? What kind of affect will I have on the new students? I desire to change, but sometimes think that I am unable to live up to other peoples standards, right now I am too tired to care or to try. I am sick of my face being broken out all over the place. Some addictions have been starved today, others have been over-fed, I am trying to do my best. There is light coming, things are changing, I just have to make it through the transition, and I will make it, I am a fighter. Whatever character God is trying to develop, I hope that He is getting His way, this is painful and no fun, and all I can do is hang on and preserver through it. To be honest I am not sure how I got this far. I won’t give up my dreams for other things like a husband and kids, so why would I give them up over this? Truth be told, I can’t walk away, I don’t have anywhere to go. I am looking forward to this week, I get to meet all the new students, I will be training people to take over a couple of the positions that I have been holding, and I am going to have a conversation about a new opportunity, I am really interested in it, but I am not completely sure how it will work out in this season of my life, but I am trusting God with all of it. Well I think that I will try to go to bed and sleep and now. Good nite.