Tough Day........Progress Made

I did not have to work today, and I did not have anything to do on the base, but I did need to make a few decisions about some things. I really did want to pray about them, and sometimes, well most times, making decisions is hard for me. These were not life shattering decisions, and really should not have been hard, but WOW, what a process it was. I spent most of the day in tears, crying uncontrollably actually. Don’t make fun, but a lot of this surrounds my car. It has been broken for a few weeks now, which has been weighing on my mind, and stressing me out the whole time. Finally earlier this week I was able to get someone to help me tow my car to the shop, and they were able to get it starting again. So I went and picked it up and brought in home. I was happy to have my car back, but while driving it around the base , I realized that I do not think that it is completely fixed and so I don’t trust driving it around. Now I have been stranded 4 different times since Thanksgiving with my little car breaking down. I have only had it a few months, so I guess I have good reason to not fully trust it. To be honest I get sick to my stomach when I even think about having to drive it. Now back in the beginning when I was blessed with the money to get a car, I prayed a lot because I do not know a lot about cars. Well I really felt like God was in this and this was the car for me, so I went through with the purchase. The car has been nothing but problems, and has lead me to questioning if I ever really heard God in the whole process. Now add that to a whole line of disappointments and when I have “heard God wrong” and I am not sure what is right anymore. I am hurt, disappointed, and angry. Now I am suppose to make decisions about opportunities in the next few months, and suddenly my whole life is falling apart. I was hopeless and full of doubt, in the middle of it a friend calls, and tells me how amazing God is and how He provided for him, I think to myself, I am happy for you, but that never happens to me. Finally I pull myself together, so that I can go talk to someone about one of these opportunities. Unable to locate them, I wonder around, pretending everything is okay, just don’t make eye contact with anyone, and don’t talk to anyone and everything will be fine. Plan failed. A friend asks about my car, because they care, I tell them I am getting rid of it because it is too much worry and stress for me. Then the tears come back, and I go back into hiding. Another friend innocently comes looking for finger nail polish remover, and finds me with bloodshot eyes, and a runny nose, obviously not okay, but trying to fake it. She asks if I want to talk, I tell her “NO”, but then I break, and it all comes out. She brings me words of encouragement, she tells me that she knows I can’t see through it right now, but God has big things for me, and I need to keep fighting for them. I don’t want to fight anymore, I am tired. I am hopeless and ready to give up. I feel like the dreams are unachievable and that I just don’t care anymore. She tells me not give up, to push through it. So after another hour of tears, prayers and pain, these are the end results. I tell God that I really want to trust Him, I wish that I could just erase all the past hurts and disappointments, that I could just snap my fingers and trust Him, but trust has to be built over time, and that I could just follow Him with uninhibited abandonment. Then I tell God that I am going to give Him one more chance to prove Himself to me. Not that God should have to prove Himself, but I need something tangible that He is real right now. I feel like the last 8 months of my life I have made a series of bad choices and wrong decisions, thinking that God was in it all the time. So here I go with uninhibited abandonment, I have decided to get rid of my car, it has been nothing but a headache. It will be hard to get the money together to get a new one, and find rides to work all the time, but I know that He has plan in all of this and that He will take care of me, at least that is the hope. I have also decided to staff the Wilderness First Responder that will be offered here at the end of March. I took this course two years ago, my certification is expiring, so it will be a good opportunity to refresh my skills. Also I was asked by the assistant to the North American Director of YWAM if I would help her with the large leadership conference that is coming up in April. I have accepted the offer, so I will be in charge of registration for the conference. I am excited about both of these projects, and I am going in to them, with uninhibited abandonment to trust God. Even if they are the “wrong” thing I am going to do them with all my heart, and hope that God shows up some how, some where, because I really can’t do these things on my own. Trusting in God to take care of me from this point forward, I am tired, so much crying really takes it out of me, and I have to work tomorrow, so I am going to bed now. Good nite.