Caught Between

Feeling restless I finally escaped to one of my favorite coffee shops to do some work and think, something that I have been longing for, for weeks now. I am settled now that it has happened.

The thing that has been looming over my head for more than a week now has been the fact that I am caught between two worlds. My quest to fulfill the passions of my heart has taken a very different path than I thought. I feel like I have been living in two different worlds. I have one foot in one world, this is a very safe place, one full of hope, passion, dreams, encouragement, and loving people. The other is what I call the outside world, which is what most of us live in and experience daily, the “real world”. It is like doing the splits. A couple months ago I had to make a choice, and I chose what I call the “real world”, mostly because I had too, but I can see now where I really wanted it. There are parts of it that really appealed to me. At first it was not hard to let the other world go. Now several months into it, I want to go back. I hate my job, I am getting screwed over and being taken advantage of. I hate that I can’t do the things that I am passionate about. I have an obligation to get out of debt, and it is nice to know that the bills will be paid, but I hate every minute of it, there is no passion in it, merely mundane tasks. Can’t I do the things that I am passionate about and not have to constantly live with the stress of wondering where the money to pay the bills will come from? I would rather be doing the things that I am passionate about. God is telling me to be faithful, so I am. It is draining me, but I am clinging to Him. I have a deep respect for those who daily are living in the real world being an example of Christ, because it is not easy out there, and I also have a deep respect for those who have given it all up to do full-time ministry, that too is not easy. Both are hard in different ways, both bring different kinds of battles; I have to choose which one I am willing to fight. Do I fight for my passions or do I fight for the stuff that will drive my passions? Maybe this is a process of blending the two, I have always desired that, but right now I do not know if that is possible.

Today there was a rally to raise awareness for human trafficking. This is something that I am passionate about, and have been for years now. I wish that I had more time and energy to be involved, but I do not, and I don’t like it. The rally was good; many of my friends were involved in putting it on. This is the thing that has opened my eyes to the current frustration. I see people doing what I have only dreamt of for years, and now I am in a place that I can not be involved. I have been waiting for an opportunity, maybe I should have created it, but I am have always been held back by a lack of finances. Now I have the money, but lack the time. It takes both, ugh, I have had a taste of both worlds, now they need to come together, but how? There has to be answer to all of this, but I don’t have it. I am so frustrated, the things I was working for, the things I wanted, don’t seem important anymore, the things I am passionate about seem important. 2 million women and children trafficked every year, in a vain attempt to take care of themselves, to find freedom, and I am concerned about having more “stuff”. The stuff is so that I can be effective in helping to stop these kinds of things, to bring change, to make a difference. So yes it is needed, but why is it so hard for me? I know that He is God, that He is good, and that I am doing my part, but I have to keep all of it in His hands. What is the answer? Is it possible to have it all, or am I just being completely selfish???

On another note, I think that spring is here, it has been warm, some sun, and some clouds, but the warmer temps are nice. I went for a walk today, and noticed that the grass seems to be really green, everything seems to be really fresh, and that is exciting to me.

The answers are coming, I have to be patient.