A 2 year journey ends

It is a lazy Sunday, it is cool, cloudy, and drizzly out. I am sitting around doing nothing, kinda enjoying it, and kinda wanting to do something productive. I am back in Oregon now, I have been here for 3 weeks, it is nice to be home, to see my friends again. I wish I could say that I miss life at camp, but I don't really, I miss the sun and warmth of California, but that's about it. I do think of everyone from down there often though. I have been working at the same 2 jobs before, but not as much, I am taking things easier now. I am blessed to have the these jobs to come back to for a short time. Thanksgiving has come ans gone, we put up Christmas decorations tomorrow, and have our first holiday party on Tuesday, so the holiday season is well underway. I am trying really hard this year to enjoy Christmas, but I don't know if I can. I think I am trying because my Grandma died earlier this year, and it made realize how much I miss being around my family, my sister is pregnet, she is having a girl, so yes I am going to be a real aunt, I am finally starting to get excited about it. Most of my cousins are also pregnet, leaving me the only one of us, besides the youngest one, unmarried, and without kids, this kinda bothers me, but I have choosen to live a very different life, and I guess that is okay, I love being free to travel and work random jobs, I am really commited to all that I do, so when the time comes I will be commited to being a wife and mom too. I just made my final payment on my credit card, so I have zero balances on all of them, which is so exciting and a journey that I gave up alot for, worked my ass off for, and today it has finally come. I am looking forward to starting 2009 without that over my head. Now I have to make a fresh start and give up all the coping mechanism's I formed to get through that phase of my life. I am finally looking forward to trying to find a way and a place to live those dreams I have been holding for so long. I am excited for 2009 to be a new yaer and the new things that will come out of it.

I am not looking forward to the next 3 weeks in which I will be very busy working, I will hopefully make some decent money, but it will be intense, and hopefully I will get to see all my family over the holidays.

Soggy

I am sitting here, it is pouring down rain outside, it rained all weekend, I heard 5.5 inches on Saturday, not just rain, but wind too. Saturday nite a tree fell down knocking out electricity for 11 hours, which kinda turn out to be fun, because all of us ended gathering at one house with a fireplace, hanging out together, otherwise I would have ended up spending the night alone, with my movies. It was interesting, I began to feel really insecure and awkward, I actually thought that I would be more comfortable sitting at home, alone, in the cold and dark. It's interesting, I have been feeling really insecure since I have been here, it's like I don't know who I am any more, I am not comfortable with myself, and I have nothing to distract myself with. I feel insecure with how I look, what I do, who I am as a person, causing me to withdrawal, I don't feel like I am doing anything worth while here. My good days are okay, my bad days, bad. When there isn't anything pressing, it takes a lot of convincing myself to get out of bed. I came here running, hoping that a change would some how magically make everything better, or different at least, that is not the case, so now I want to run back home, at least there are comforts there, but I am beginning to think that is not the answer either. I feel like I am just running around in circles, nothing is the right answer. I find myself wondering if I will find "it", if I will ever be satisfied with my life, and my choices. It seems here I am always on the outside, at meals at the table, I am always the one stuck between 2 conversation, neither of which I can add too. I am not cool enough for the cool kids, and not uncool enough for the uncool kids. I miss having human touch, nobody hugs here, or even just pats on the back, conversations are very surfacy, nothing ever deep, I hate that, I don't do that well, so I just retreat into myself, not adding anything to this community, and not getting anything from it either. So I wanted to go home, which I get to do for a couple months but I can already tell that is not going to be all that it's cracked up to be either. Why am I so hard to please, so unsettled, why can't I ever be satisfied with my life and the choices I make, and why am I always running in these stupid circles in my head? Anyways I will be home in 5 days, looking forward to that, I think.

A bloody, bloody, bloody day

Yesterday was a bloody day in the health center, first 3 cuts fingers thanks to the pumpkin carving elective. Then I am just sitting in the health center, it is quiet, its cabin time right before dinner, when I heard someone (a counslor) yell, "nurse we have a bleeding head here", I respond with "are you serious" as I jump up and grab some gloves, I ask the poor little guy his name, and remove the tissue, stiches, I know it right away. Thank goodness, the administrator that was on, was right there, on the phone calling the teachers, and the urgent care clinic to let them know we were sending them in. The story: the kids were messing around in the cabin, they were running, one kid pushed another kid, the pushed kid fell, and hit his head on the bunk bed, causing a gash in his head. I know I shouldn't be excited that kids got hurt, and I am not, but I was happy to have something to do, and it was pretty exciting. I feel a little bad about being so happy about the injuries. I kinda felt like Christina from Grey's Anatomy, (I love that show), she really enjoys, and gets off on bloody surgery's.

I have been babysitting for my friends here, I am watching their 9 month old now, he is so happy and cute right now. I actually really enjoy it, because first I love kids, second, they have a tv with cable, and internet, so it makes me feel some normalacy, which is great, and they have a dog to play with too, so it like being in a real home, not just a place to stay, like where I am living.

It is cool and cloudy today, just like back at home, it is actually a nice change, makes me want to cuddle up by the fire with a good cup of coffee. There are a couple storms moving in tonight, and this weekend, according to the news, which I am watching on the tv. Its a good day.

Antsy

I am antsy, I am stuck here in the health center, I want to eat, but I am not hungry, that is part of why I have put on so much weight making me feel disgusting. I get to come home in a week and half, I am so excited and can't wait,I am looking forward to having friends to hang out with, working a job that is active and involves interacting with people, and making some money again, but there is so much that I need to do before that, get my oil changed, make sure things are in order with the health center before I go, I need to find a nurse for the week in Dec, that I won't be here for, I don't trust the girl that will be in charge, but I don't know how to say that, she does things half-assed all the time, she doesn't seem to care, she is here mostly to study and hang out with her friends, I feel like she doesn't take things seriously, and I have to leave her in charge, or waste my plane ticket to come back, which is another thing I have to do, cancel my ticket, ask for time off in the spring to go see my sister when she has her baby, I need to figure out what things need to be done for both the extended breaks, and write out details as well as go over it, so that I know I've done everything I could to make it clear, some how I still think it will get done right, or they won't remember where they put things, which will really suck when I come back in Jan. yeah I have to come back, things will be better, they already are. I am making more of an effort with people and so are they, I am also working on a recycling program for the camp, and have opportunities to work around others, instead of in a room by myself, and I am going to find other work to do around the camp on the weekends to keep me busy then. I have been babysitting which has been good, it is something else to do. I know that I really have lots of things to do to keep me busy but I really don't want to do any of them, and some of them, I can't really do while I am sitting here. I no boring and nothing really important to say, but I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Ok something cool just happened. It is recreation time which means most of the kids are in the pool. Suddenly I hear everyone chanting "Josh-u-a" "Josh-u-a" "Josh-u-a" from the pool area, so I step outside so I can see what is going on. Joshua is autistic, and he is standing on the high dive, all of his class mates are cheering him on to jump off the high dive, everyone is watching, counselors, everyone, and then he jumped, I walked away with a huge smile on my face, it made me happy and remember what is really important, after everything I just said above, what a great reality check. Tonight is campfire, that is always a good time, and roast beef for dinner, (which I like, but everything gets old when you literally have eaten it for 7 weeks straight, but hey its free food, which makes it okay.

Falling short of the stick

I have always had some sort of way that I measure how well I am doing in life, mostly it comes from if I call myself this, I am expected to act a certain way. If I call myself a Christian, then I am suppose to be happy, not have any problems, do good things for others, go to church, pray, read my bible, and if I am missionary, I must do all those things, more intensely, as well as give up a lot more, be leading people to the Lord, living without, dying to myself, setting a good example, there is a lot of pressure. All these things seem to be the standards, that people, the church, jobs have put on me, some spoken, and some unspoken. I have always tried to live up to these standards, yet feel like I am always falling short, and when I fall short, I feel like a bad person and begin to question everything. I am tired of falling short of said standards, rules, expectations, I want to be free to be me. I spent many years being discipled intensely,there I learned that your are only spiritual if the first thing you do when you get up in the morning is pray and read your bible, and it must be a full hour devoted to that. Sorry I don't work that way, I understand the value of spending time with God, and I do think that is really important, but I can't operate in that box, and I know that God meets me outside of that. My point is, I am finally starting to realize that it really is more about a relationship with Him, than following the rules, standards, or expectations that I have adopted or allowed to be put on me. I am trying to live in this freedom, but it is not easy. God loves me, for me, my problems, my habits, the time and space I make for Him in my life, He hates that I feel like I am disappointing Him, others, and myself, all the time. So here I journey to bring the truths, the real truths, into my life to live by, without, feeling like I am falling short, I am human I will not be perfect, I am not perfect, I have problems, life will not be perfect, but that should not change my relationship with God, so here I go on yet another life long adventure. Relationship not rules.

Perfect Sunday

I went to church, it was the first time in a long time. It was actually nice, it was a new church, I am thinking of joining a small group even, which is weird, I would never think about that on the first Sunday I attend a church. I actually felt hopeful about things again, I don't know I was so busy and so wrapped up in getting my credit card paid off, that I lost sight of everything else. The goal was to pay off my cards, but I really messed myself up in the process, but I was hopeful, and had lots of ideas about the future, it was a nice feeling. After church, I went on an adventure, I decided to go check out another city, Capitola, it is not far from Santa Cruz. When I got there I immediately decided that it is my new favorite place here. The downtown area reminds of what I think Italy or France would look like. There is a canal that runs into the ocean, a beach that is not too crowded, and the canal, ocean front is lined with tons of little restaurants and bars, that you can sit outside and enjoy the view. I sat on a bench for several hours, enjoying the view, chatting on my phone to friends back home. Then I had to go feed my parking meter some more money, on my back to "the perfect spot" I was almost ran over by a bunch of bikers showing off, they went around the conner, I kept walking, and next thing I know there are about 6 camera men jumping out of big vans, running around, taping the biker guys, I stood there for a minute baffled, then decided that if I didn't want to be a movie star I needed to get out of there. I found a great little bar & grill, where I sat outside, taking it all in, enjoying a great burger & fries. When I had finished I realized that I was pretty sunburned, so I walked around for a little while then I headed home. Later that evening I went to a great coffee shop to see a friend play in his band. They are awesome,it is a great mix of several different kinds of music, I have never heard anything like it, but I LOVED IT!!!! Anyways that was my perfect Sunday. The 3rd week of camp, just began today, it is a pretty small group, they have adult counselors which helps, so far so good. Lots of allergies, bees and nuts, the most I have seen in my three weeks of experience. Anyways that is all for now. Gosh I have been blogging a lot more, partly because I feel like I actually have something to blog about, and I actually have time to blog. I also wrote in my journal yesterday, it was kinda nice to actually write again, it is amazing how dependent I have become on my computer, right now it feels like my life line, sad, but true.

Bathroom Blog

So I have been sitting at this coffee shop for hours now, I have a great view of the bathrooms, they are very busy actually. It has been a source of my entertainment, which I am now going to share with you. I have watched countless times, someone get up walk to the bathroom, try the door, it is locked, so they try again, then step back, wait a second, try again, step back, try looking underneath the door to see if the light is on, or maybe if they can see someone moving around in there, I dont know exactly, but look under the door. Try the still locked door again, like maybe it will magically open this time. No luck, so they step back and finally wait, mostly impatiently. Honestly it takes more than 3 seconds to go to the bathroom, no matter who you are or what you are doing in there. Some have even opted to use the other bathroom that clearly is marked "out of order". I am not brave enough to investigate why it is out of order, nor do I know it hasn't been fixed yet, nor do I get why people continue to use it when there is a sign that clearly says it is out of order. What is it with us humans? We are pretty entertaining at times. That is the most exciting, entertaining thing I have seen all day, which doesn't say much for me.